Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014


Veronica successfully juggles career and family while still
finding time to volunteer, exercise and shop at Sass and Bide.
Meet Veronica. She successfully juggles career and family while still finding time to volunteer, exercise and shop at Sass and Bide. You don’t need to know her vital statistics because she’s hardly vital now is she? Despite being made of fibreglass Veronica’s still a little bit intimidating (what's with her left nork?) I’ve often wondered what I’d look like as a store mannequin. It would certainly be conducive to a life of voyeurism but I’m afraid my caption would have to read something like: Natalie just manages to keep her head above water, is twice-divorced, occasionally works part-time so she can be there for her daughter when she gets home from school, shops at Jeans West and Payless Shoes and has volunteered for some codeine and a good lie down. Her vital statistics are none of your business but thanks for asking.

I was driving the Mini-Spy and her friends home from school just recently and had a good chuckle as they impaled Jennifer Hawkins' latest Myer commercial on a flaming skewer of vitriol. Ms Hawkins, in a variety of stunning outfits, is filmed larking all over the place with her tai chi-style photo shoot on the beach. She’s perfect and every time she comes on the television I can feel the nation’s female population sigh in collective despair: which makes me shake my head in wonderment. Jennifer’s commercial does nothing to induce me to shop for clothes at the fucking omni-shambles that is Myer, but I digress. This fascination with perfection is a head-spin for both men and women if you ask me. The ones who frustrate me most are those that don’t expect it in themselves yet demand it in others. You should read some of the profiles on RSVP. For every guy that will settle for and take advantage of just about anything in a skirt you’ve got an equal amount of illiterate munters who demand nothing less than pouting lips, a DD cup and legs that go on forever.

I’ve removed myself from the world of online dating. It’s not for me. The mere process of meeting people in this manner fast-tracks all the good stuff: the initial random meeting, the shallow breathing and that dawning realisation that this guy rocks your world! (not to mention the slow burn that eats away at you until you can have him in a million wicked ways) None of that happens on RSVP because chemistry does not translate into pixels very well. Besides, when you’re sitting on your arse surfing dating sites you’re not actually engaging in much of an exciting life. Hermits don’t tend to pull. It’s time to get out there and leave it to fate, or whatever it is they say about such things. In hindsight, I might have had more luck on RSVP if I’d been more specific. I did set my preferences for men no more than ten years older than me but in the section labelled, ‘What I’m Looking For’ I wrote: I’d rather not be too specific in this section because then I might miss out on the opportunity to meet a really fantastic person. What I do know is that I am not interested in casual hook-ups. I would like to meet men that are interested in good old-fashioned dating. I have a soft spot for tall men. If I were ever inclined to return to RSVP I still wouldn’t be too stringent with my specifications but I would like to share a list with you dear reader, of some of my more ardent desires in the man department. Tell me if you spot him won't you?

1. A man that can out-do me in the verbosity stakes. Somebody as prone to hyperbole as me. I love wordsmiths. They’re my weakness.

2. A man that doesn’t sulk and can tell the difference between good-natured teasing and criticism. A man that will instead, find your funny bone: not your Achilles heel.

3. A man with sexy eyes who is into eye contact. He doesn’t have to be an Adonis but he does have to melt your pants off with one look.

4. A man that treats check-out chicks, barmen, cleaners and waitresses with respect.

5. A man with a slow hand. I hate being rushed in bed. Quickies are all well and good but we cannot survive on them alone. We’d rather talk to our friend in the bedside table.

6. A man that does stuff. And knows stuff.

7. A man that can handle a motor car. Nothing turns me off more than incompetent driving.

8. A man that would rather hear me playing piano than watch the TV all weekend.

9. A man who gets my jokes.

10. A man that can’t keep his eyes or hands off me. Including times when sex is not on the agenda.


Dropbear said...

Jesus you don't want much :)

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

Ha! I'd be happy with five out of ten of those :-D

Erronius Nomenclature said...

Replace "a man" with "a woman" and you've got a 10 in my book!

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

Gosh then geography is going to make dating a blast then isn't it? :-D

Erronius Nomenclature said...

You haven't heard me mucking about on a piano... although any excuse to go back to Qld. Would do at the moment, I'm missing springtime on the range quite acutely.

Erronius Nomenclature said...

Nearly forgot, good use of Tuckerism "omni-shambles" !

yankeedog said...

You're gettin' just a little bit damn picky. :P

Mind that after the 'rock the world' stuff, there's the 'can he make a living, put up with my kid, help with things around the house, and pull his weight' phase to think about.

Nat, you've a lot to offer someone. Talent, brains, charm, wit, looks, and a basic friendliness about you. Admirable. And you know how to economize. You seem to adapt well to changing conditions. All good qualities. You'll be a fantastic partner for someone-really. Go get 'em. Good luck and good hunting!

Dr Yobbo said...

What IS with Veronica's left nork? Or her right, I guess. And why all the nork tork with the Young Nats today?

Dropbear said...

#1 - Aint going to happen.

#2 - Fair enough - as long it goes both ways, and doesn't involve anything that is obviously a sensitive point. Button pushing and then complaining that it gets a reaction is not nice.

#3 - Can't complain

#4 - Absolutely agree

#5 - Agree again. It depends on the mood

#6 - Bit too general for me to comment.

#7 - Everyone is an above average driver. I think all the below average drivers must live where lost socks and pens go

#8 - Maybe. How about a partner who prefers "us" things than "my" things?

#9 - I dunno - are they funny? :)

#10 - Absolutely agree.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

YOBBO: It's just one little mention and a couple of fairly impressive fibreglass ones on display. I don't think that constitutes a Tit Convention :-D I exhausted the topic on JS a few years back when we discussed adjustable breast implants and beer bras. But I stand by my statement on Girl Clumsy's blog :-D

DROP: Everyone thinks they're a great driver but we all know what it's like driving white-knuckled with some lunatic who thinks he can and can't.

In regards to number 8 it depends how your mind is filtering it. Again, I don't wish to appear self-centred but with me I've never been with anyone interested in my music and they've all been TV fiends so 'happy together' mutual activities have never been a part of my life. I would be more than happy for that to change. I dig new things and finding out about my partner's stuff. STUFF. There's that word again. He does STUFF! Oh and number one made me laugh. I do talk some shit!

YANKEE: I am much obliged to you for the kind words. I shall keep an extra munitions pack at hand to be sure :-D

ERRONIUS: Welcome back my the way and yes Malcolm is my new bestest friend. The air in Toowoomba is pretty special at this time of year.

Anonymous said...

Fucking brilliant read Spy xBedes x

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

SIMON: Love ya guts spunk.

Steve said...

The below-average drivers are all in some Asian country. (did I say that out loud?)

Barnesm said...

Another brilliant post.

I wish you all the luck in the world with finding anyone meeting those criteria

Another possibility, are you familiar with the writings of Mary Shelly?

Abe Frellman said...

Hehehe... "omni-shambles"... hehehehe!

Erronius Nomenclature said...

I'm relatively surprised among your regular following you didn't have several meeting these criteria. The grumbles of sour grapes echoing in here is rather bizarre, are these traits that unusual? Really?

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

ABE: It's a Malcolm Tuckerism...but I have absorbed it into my everyday speech to a point where I think it's my own!

BARNES: No but I've always wanted to read Frankenstein and not just piss myself at Mel Brooks/Gene Wilder's spoof :-D

STEVE: Nah they pepper them worldwide. No fun if they're playing dodgems on their own.

ERRONIUS: This lot? Oh you jest :-D Many FINE menfolk pass thru here but alas they are all unattainable geographically and romantically... even if I wanted one of the reprobates :-D

Steve said...

Be specific on #6. That can easily apply to "A man that goes to highway rest areas to stalk his prey, and knows the ideal place to hide a body."

Natalia the Russian Spy said...


Flinthart said...

'Omni-shambles' is beautiful. And Mary Shelley is -- sorry Barnesm and partner -- over-rated.

Steve: knowing how to dispose of an embarrassing corpse is one of the prerequisites of true manhood. One doesn't simply HIDE a corpse.

For what it's worth, I can list three absolute blinders straight off the top of my head. Give me half an hour and I'll stretch that list to ten. But here's the first three...

1) Great Barrier Reef: chum.

2) Large pig farm.

3) Any major rural roadworks. Dig a hole in the middle after the initial grading but before the steamrollering. Plant the corpse, cover it, tamp it down. Once the rollers are through and the asphalt is in place, NOBODY is gonna find your little problem.

Barnesm said...

I was referring to the idea of assembling your own man as a way of meeting your criteria in my reference to Mary Shelly. No comment on the quality of the writing,
bloody authors.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

HA! Or we could build a man Frank-n-Furter style! In JUST seven days...!

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

Do the snatch, clean and jerk....OH FUCK. BRAIN WORM.

Barnesm said...


"But a deltoid and a bicep. A hot groin and a tricep makes me... ooo... shake! Makes me wanna take Charles Atlas by the hand"

Steve said...

Flint, as we say in the corporate world, there are no PROBLEMS. Only OPPORTUNITIES.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

Can you believe it...I delete my RSVP profile and I find the most wondorous man on earth. He ticks EVERY box :-D :-D :-D

Anonymous said...

Hey look, I found your (new) blog!!! Read the newest entry and this one, and you're still fabulous. Isn't it sad that I meet ALL 10 of these criteria?! And isn't it sad that we're practically as FAR away from each other around the world as is humanly possible?!?! In addition to piano, I could listen to you play bass (hell, just fretless "Hey You" from 'Floyd) all weekend and beyond!
I dunno if I love hyperbole as much as you, but I totally dig word games, crosswords, and alliteration...especially puns and malapropisms (sp?) which one might have to look up to define, but I'm sure you love them, too. Much love whether you ever get to the States (or I get to the 'bush ever) and HUGE virtual hugs! ...Mike S., Nullmuse, anybody, whatever! (you were just delirously buying shoes on FB! :P)

Anonymous said...

>>And isn't it sad that we're practically as FAR away from each other around the world as is humanly possible?!
After a moment's reflection, that might not be a BAD thing. We might be awesomely great friends, or our meeting might be terrible beyond measure. Blood on the moon and such horrible things. Sometimes we need our opposites, not our equals! :D
(" might be unbelievable. But let's not say 'so long'. It might just be 'fantastic', don't get me wrong." - quote not attributed because if'n you don't know it right off, it will delightfully drive you insane)

DCAja said...

nice and classy!

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