Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Thursday, August 19, 2010


Why is it even a quick glance at your prospects on RSVP can you give the feeling you’re walking into some nasty over 40s singles bar with toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe and your skirt tucked into your fishnet stockings?

DTE Aussie divorcee, 48, healthy and well preserved for age, seeks a female (any age) to share quiet nights on the couch with a bottle of red and a DVD.

Instantly you can hear the strains of Michael Bolton waft through the room as the ultraviolet light from the dance floor shows up the dandruff on your jacket. And just like the bloke with the handlebar moustache and the tattoos standing over in the corner of the bar straining to count his gold coins by the light of the cigarette machine, you know the people at RSVP have something to hide. It’s what those profiles don’t say that’s important. The mere fact that these people don’t need to pass through a metal detector makes the process somewhat daunting. Finding love on the internet might be more productive if the profiles had to go before some kind of Trades Practices Board chaired by your Mum and a forensics team.

Down To Earth: I’m just a slave to gravity. I have no grandiose ideas about myself or the kind of woman I can attract because quite frankly, I’m boring as batshit and spend most of my time scratching my nuts during Titans’ games and wanking over the K-mart underwear catalogue. People with a healthy self-esteem need not apply.

Looks aren’t important, it’s what’s on the inside that counts: I have a face like a bunch of smashed crabs and all the hot women I fancy don’t even know I’m alive. So if you’re happy to be a mere vessel whilst I get on with the very important business of imagining I’m humping Erin McNaught then let’s meet for coffee.

Honest and Trustworthy: Rather than just prove this through my actions, I’m going to pretend that I’m these things so that I can continue screwing prostitutes in the Valley without arousing your suspicions. It’s not my fault. You should have given me that hand job last Sunday night when Chuck Norris was on...bitch!

I want somebody to grow old with: I have a morbid fear of nursing homes and I’d like to invest in home care assistance. Must have warm body and be able to make a decent cup of tea and fetch which my response is...get a dog!

Somebody to cuddle with on the couch and watch TV: to which my response is (Ad infinitum) get a dog!

What you see is what you get: My wardrobe consists entirely of cardigans, polyester slacks, garish socks and open-toe sandals. Sometimes I lose my shirt.

People that claim they have eclectic taste in music and then list Pink, Lady Gaga and Katy Perry as their favourites. GAH!!!!!!!

Good Sense of Humour: I am really funny. LOL! LOL! LOL! I haven’t graduated from toilet humour. LOL! LOL! LOL! I regurgitate jokes from the internet. LOL! LOL! LOL!

Guys that write their descriptions like they’re a house or a car for sale: I suppose that’s vaguely imaginative but it’s still a bit naff.

Guys that take photos of themselves in mirrors: I spend a lot of time in this bathroom know...stuff. Like choreographing that pecs manoeuvre and moisturising my body with high-grade sump oil. Besides, the kids are over this weekend and I don’t want scare the shit out of that cute baby-sitter.

Guys that appear to have an extra arm grafted onto their shoulder because they’ve cropped out their last girlfriend: There is currently nobody in my life that would care to take a photograph of me. I do have a sister but she refuses to navigate the engine parts, crusty underpants and the empty tuna cans that currently serve as my lounge room decor... either that or they’re too dim to find the timer on their camera.

Guys that post pictures with no regard for the background appearance of their shots: I have a degree in the field of quantum messiness. My flat is a hole of such infinite density that not even the light from my dusty lava-lamp can escape its gravitational pull. I register abnormally high levels of adrenalin at the sight of a vacuum cleaner. My dirty clothes basket recently reported me to Amnesty International.

People that list watching sunsets and walking on the beach as interests: I have absolutely no idea what romance is.

OK so I realize that this is all a bit snarky and considering that my attempts at humour are frequently abysmal, a little hypocritical. I’m obviously prepared to overlook certain deficits in appearance and my heart does go out to all those lonely and unfortunate looking men but the one thing I cannot compromise on is the guys that can’t spell, punctuate or construct a decent sentence. It’s more than just a lack of intelligence, it’s speaks volumes about a person’s desire to learn. Let me explain. Many years ago I went out with this fantastic guy. He hadn’t been raised with opportunities for higher education but he was fascinated with learning and sought knowledge at every turn. He didn’t default to disinterest when he wasn’t sure what I was talking about but rather he would ask questions and file it away in the ‘useful’ part of his brain. He didn’t pretend to know everything nor was he ashamed of that. Basically, he appreciated me and didn’t try to bring me down. I can’t tell you how many times I have made allowances for men only to have them turn around and tease me for not knowing the line-up of the Broncos or the entire back catalogue of Bruce Lee. The problem with going out with guys that aren’t real bright is not the fact that they’re not ‘well read’ or ‘dig the same shit that I do’’s their unwillingness to engage in a conversation I’ve initiated. The amount of times I have opened my mouth, only to be met with a blank stare and a change of subject are too numerous to count...and it wears thin really quickly.

So this weekend I’m going to sit around in my trakkie daks watching ‘An Affair to Remember’ on DVD in the full knowledge that I’m not missing out on anything. Well that’s the plan until I actually decide to go out and get a life myself. Ahem.


Mayhem said...

Nat I'm not sure I actually believe that you even OWN a pair of trakkie daks!

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

Oh I can do slob day with the best of them mate! As I raise my arms to type this I get the distinct feeling I need to get thee into the shower. PRONTO!

Bondiboy66 said...

I'm told it goes both ways Nat (by my divorced mate who has had a few goes dating via teh interwebz - me, I've never done it and I think my wife would object). Most dates/dalliances went ok, interspersed with the occasional Bunny Boiler. Similarly though, he too wishes for someone with a shred of intelligence. He recently dated a lady slightly younger than himself. Very attractive, good job, not clinically insane, went off like a frog in a sock in the sack (hey, he is a bloke you know!) ticked most boxes. But dumb as a box of hammers, with no real wish to alter that situation. He couldn't handle that and moved on. For him the search continues (although my missus may try to line him up with a good friend of hers).

Good luck with the hunt Nat, when you decide to go hunting.

The Rhino said...

What the hell are trakkie daks?

And I'm sure that whatever they are you make them look FABBBULOUSSSS, Darlink.

I'm so glad that I'm safely enmeshed in marital bliss as I wouldn't have a freakin' clue what to do out there these days. I go to the bars with my buds on occasion and it scares the bejebus out of me and I don't scare easily. I'd rather face raving zombie hordes than have to look for a significant other these days.

Anneal said...

K-mart underwear catalogue? My first job EVER was at Kmart...stockboy to isle #4...Blue light special in underwear. I used to enjoy the Vickie's catalog..but even those WOMEN are to young for Me now. Too many sharp claws, and it's a I'm staying in My a soldier ant (Congo "Genesis" w/o Phil Collins)

Barnesm said...

"attempts at humour are frequently abysmal....

obviously you aren't referring to the stuff you write on this blog, because I have found it to be hilarious. (desperately hopes I don’t sound like 'good sense of humour guy').

I agree with Rhino, if you wear them then they will look fabulous.

YsambartCourtin said...

"Trakkie Daks" are tracksuit pant bottoms. "Dacks" is short short for "Underdaks" which is slang for "Underwear". I hope that passing this information on lessens my next goring :)

Nat - good to finally meet you! Even if a gaming bar isn't your scene :) I understand entirely.

Mayhem said...

Rhino, Barnes, agreed, if ANYONE can make trakkie daks stylish and fabulous it would have to be Nat.

I absolutely love your interpretation of the guff that goes on these dating profiles. I've had my own disastrous brush with them. Frankly once I worked out they weren't for me, I pretty much gave up on having a life for the next 10 years. I am SO glad that I just got totally lucky in my love life, just as I was ready to start getting out there again.

Hope you get that too Nat, I think you deserve it mate.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

MAYHEM: Cheers love! I'm not in any hurry. It's important that you're happy with your own hobbies and company...but I do yearn (emphasis on the yearning) for a great love. It's never really happened for me.

BART: Hey you! I was really happy to meet you even though we were both a little distracted :D are certainly tall and gorgeous. Lucky girlfriend!...and yes I'm sorry I couldn't stick around in the Mana for long. It wasn't so much the gaming that bugged me, it was the cramped space and dim I'm going deaf and couldn't hear a damned word!

BARNES: You're an absolute doll :D

ANNEAL: Love the Genesis quote!

RHINO: Please see Bart's comment...and yes. I'm scared. So very scared.

BONDI: I have absolutely no doubt. Funny though...the top 100 women on RSVP all sound thick as two short planks...but then they all have posted pictures of themselves pouting like pussies in scanty outfits so they would be certain to attract a lot of attention. Usually by males who want an easy lay without all that pesky dating stuff.

Dr Yobbo said...

'Face like a bunch of smashed crabs' is one of the more awesome descriptors. Along with 'uglier than a hatful of busted arseholes' and 'face like a dropped pie'.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

YOB: I believe I may have picked that up from either you or Nautilus on Twunter.


It is tough for wechosen few - The Singletons - but we endure!

A few of the more normal punters at work are on e-harmony. They claim it has fewer deadbeats per capita - which is why I'd choose RSVP when I eventually mount my quest for Mrs Lermontov!

Steve said...

Rhino will be familiar with this one: "S/He is a 2-bagger. One for him/her, and one for you in case his/hers falls off."

My brother has done a lot of online dating. It's worked out really well for him. Of course, knowing my brother, I have to admit it worked out disastrously for any woman who hooked up with him.

Flinthart said...

NatV: For the love of God... this has incredible potential. 'My Year Of Internet Dating'. Keep a diary. Keep a blog. Save the best bits for the manuscript. Turn it into a book after the blog goes viral (or before.) Then turn it into a movie... it is a PERFECT goddam Rom-com, in which the sharp, smart but no longer twenty-something woman seeks love in all the wrong places...

Seriously, Nat. This has the capacity to be hilarious, cross-media, and very lucrative. You write well enough to carry it over the line. Make a serious project of it. Talk to Birmo for contacts and marketing and the like. Talk to Hughesy about the same. I can help with a bit of editing - but you're the one in the right place at the right time. Go!

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

DIRK: I was intending on chronicling it all here on this blog but now that you mention would be the perfect thing to write a book about. Being the dodgy spy that I am, I think my observations would be worthy of a book. Thank you for the kick up the arse - after several attempts at getting going on a novel - they have all but failed. This experiment will be perfect fodder. I will email you.

STEVE: Ha! You are going to have to translate that for me.

LERM: Oh man you make me laugh. I reckon if you'd just slow down a bit on the random rooting you would have plenty of quality women at your feet.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

I've started my private diary already. It wasn't hard to write a back-log of twelve days worth. One of my folders is named "Absolute Duds" which I hope will provide much mirth :D Dirk - I was writing so freely that I amazed myself!

Anonymous said...

Good on you!


Natalia the Russian Spy said...

ABE: Yup! It should keep me out of trouble :D

Funny thing happened this morning - I was sent a 'handshake' on RSVP. Had no idea these things existed. The message was - I think you have a great profile. That's all! The gent who sent it lives in Melbourne. Out of curiousity I swing over to his and laughed my arse off. Now THIS is a funny profile. I'm going to keep this one on file.

If i come across one more reference to shawshank redemption, red wine or special will be the endoftheworld (Nat says: this is his username - clever!)

This is a tough gig. Wondering how people come up with beach walks and dinner concepts. I have also learnt that most of the people here are "glass half full" people. Why dont they fill their glasses?

I dont live anywhere near the beach and have no desire to go for walks there. Well not until my yacht is moored there anyway. when I go for movies I am more interested in the popcorn than the movie.

I work to live, not the other way around. my works includes a lot of travel and now I have been bitten by a big travel bug and want to do lots more.I Consider catch-22 as my bible. Occasionally I am serious and during those moments consider man's purpose in life and what our responsibilities are. But these moments are few and far between and the rest of the time I am content to live my life like Homer Simpson.

I have read other profiles mentioning that they like eating out or eating in. i would also like to put it on the record that I eat, shower, brush my teeth, watch TV, sometimes doing all these at the same time.

My day job requires me to put stickers on fruits at the supermarket but my ambition is to be a parking inspector.


Dr Yobbo said...

That one sounds like a keeper!

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

I know! But he lives in Melbourne...damn it Janet.

Steve said...

Yeah, that guy might not be too into you when he sees your description of Melbourne.

Of course, maybe that's why he travels so much, to get away from there?

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

But Steve, you'll remember I am reformed of that opinion after visiting last year!

Steve said...

Much like a typical restaurant patron, I only remember the bad reviews, never the good ones.

Therbs said...

C'mon, didja meet up with him? I'll keep it a secret, promise.

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