Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

TEN QUICK SPY-GIRL ODDITIES

1. I turn on the indicator to coincide with the downbeat of the music I’m listening to on the radio. I go mental if the tempi match. If I’m feeling reckless I’ll add counter-rhythms with the windscreen wipers.

2. Both of my little toes are squashed as if I was the childhood victim of some bizarre foot binding ritual. One of my legs is longer than the other by about an inch. I have it manipulated back into place every couple of years or so. I have one dimple, not two. Actually now that I think about it, my features and limbs are completely beleaguered by asymmetry! (a bit too much chlorine in the gene pool methinks) I’ve a dropped right shoulder that constantly needs stretching and realignment. I blame Bob the Double Bass for that one.

3. I prefer the Clydesdale over all other horses cos they've got flares. They're the hippies of equine society.

4. Sometimes I can't even remember what I had for tea the night before but I have this freakish memory for tunes. I'm often left standing like a mute when asked to recall names, dates or places unless I have a musical reference for them. For some people, smells trigger memory, for me it’s always been 70s advertising jingles, Dolly Parton & Kenny Rogers.

5. If I’m not totally convinced a book is going to be good judging by the content, author and cover notes, I will read random chapters out of order before starting at the beginning.

6. Rather than throw it over my shoulder, I put a pinch of salt in my coffee. I swear by pork spare ribs coated generously in chinese five spices as a hangover cure. I hate melons.

7. Drinking a lot of alcohol makes me terribly funny. It also makes me terribly fat. This is not necessarily an oddity but as a die-hard beer lover, it certainly seems a bit odd to me.

8. I get lonely at night and have arguments with myself over the amount of blankets and what side of the bed to sleep on. Sometimes, I just like to hear the sound of my own voice.

9. My vices all belong to the ‘c’ family: coffee, codeine, cigarettes, cheese, chocolate pineapple lumps, chunky chips and chinese checkers...actually I think it’s Mah-jong I have the addiction to but since when did I ever let the truth get in the way of a chance to use alliteration? I issue instructions to the Mini-Spy in spoonerisms just to drive her a little crazy.

10. I can’t swim the butterfly. Previous public attempts to rectify this have alarmed epileptics and near-drowning victims.

28 comments:

MrScribbler said...

I'm with ya on 2, 5, 7, 8 and 10. My dropped shoulder comes from a quarter-century of carrying straps holding luggage and a heavy camera bag over my left shoulder. And I'll bet my small toes curl more than yours.... You don't want to see me in a pool, either. But we could drink together!

Bondiboy66 said...

I concur on some points:
2 - I have one dimple and my right shoulder is still buggered from child carrying...but is improving thankfully.

4 - I'm quite good with tunes...up to about 1995. After that I have virtually no idea. It's handy at trivia comps at least.

6 - I don't do that but I have read that a pinch of salt improves the flavour of coffee. Presumably decent coffee, shit like International Roast can only be improved by pouring it onto the ground.

10 - I'm a good swimmer but butterfly has eluded me forever. And I have no motivation to alter that. It is a silly stroke!

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

SCRIBS: Well if I don't shave my legs that day we could drink heavily in the pool and then nobody will give a rats :-D

BONDI: It is a SILLY stroke indeed sir! Yes the salt improves the taste of even really good coffee and I must say that the history of popular music post 2006 has completely unimpressed me but that could just be me getting old. The thing with my memory is that I can remember the tune itself with absolute clarity - but not always who sang it or what it's called so I am infuriating to be with on trivia nights :-D

yankeedog said...

At least you don't have like three breasts (two on one side and one on the other) or some such!

I'd list my oddities, but to be honest, it's getting late here and I don't have enough time to list them all...

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

YANKEE: Yes. I am entirely grateful that I don't have three breasts. My it IS late where you are isn't it? :-D

Moko said...

Kinda with your '1.'. I have walking music. If I'm going to the dunny I need to hum or sing anything, or whistle that 'Twisted Nerve' song from Kill Bill. Drives the missus bonkers.

I have scoliosis too. Right should drops. Victim of school bags.

As with movies, I trust my instincts when picking a book. Usually right. I hate knowing anything about them before getting into them.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

MOKO: Yeah I'm usually always certain before I purchase a book but sometimes you get buyer's remorse. As for the walking, yeah totally with you. If the tempo doesn't suit I just can't do it.

Dr Yobbo said...

FREAK













Agree on the post-2006 music thing but only because that coincides exactly with the arrival of children, which are Kryptonite to modern music.

And the butterfly is more stupid and pointless than Kyle Sandilands, which is some achievement. Why invent a swimming stroke for going in a forwards direction that's markedly more crap than freestyle and without the farting-about-underwater usefulness of breaststroke?

Not sure there ARE any songs which coincide with the tempo of a car indicator. They deliberately pick an arrhythmia unknown in modern music.

Other than that I am perfect in every way, including modesty, and honesty.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

YOBBO: You are indeed and it DOES happen! Mine clicks about 120 BPMs so it's real easy to sync it with music.

Barnesm said...

"Drinking a lot of alcohol makes me terribly funny" I have to tell you not drinking also makes you terribly funny, unless you have always posted these blog entries nicely toasted.

Lunamor said...

I must try the spoonerisms with my son...sounds like great fun :D

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

BARNES: You say that to all the girls! :-D

LUNA: Absolutely. Mess with their heads. Throw in the odd 'Mist All Chucking Frighty!' every now and then to emphasise your point :-D

Steve said...

If you pick a language other than English, you can get beer in your vices as well if you call it "Cerveza." But forewarned, beers that say "cerveza" on the label are, 9 times out of 10, complete crap.

I despise the Clydesdale for a very stupid reason. They are the mascot of Budweiser beer, which I also despise, so I see the two as going hand-in-hand.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

STEVE: I won't hold it against you darlin'.

Steve said...

Of course not, not after I gave you such a great excuse to include beer in your "C-word" fetish.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

STEVE: I saw a Clydesdale at the EKKA. He was pacing around a tiny stall at first but then he came over to me and we chatted for a bit. It was cooooooool :-D

Steve said...

Natalie, are you sure you weren't talking to Sarah Jessica Parker?

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

Awwwww don't you be hating on the SJP. I'm in the 'like her' camp. Sometimes the sisters have got to stick together.

yankeedog said...

"I'd list my oddities, but to be honest, it's getting late here and I don't have enough time to list them all..."

August 30, 2010 2:04 PM
Natalia the Russian Spy said...
YANKEE: .... My it IS late where you are isn't it? :-D


Smartass! :) 23 million people there and I find a comedienne! :P

Steve said...

OK, then maybe the Clydesdale was Tori Spelling. She's very equine.

Flinthart said...

clydes are cool. Butterfly sucks. Breast stroke works well. You don't even need a pool!

Steve said...

The Butterfly is without a doubt the most awkward, inefficient stroke. Let's say you fall off a boat and are forced to swim a few hundred meters to a nearby island, and a shark is chasing you. NOBODY is going to use a butterfly in that scenario.

NowhereBob said...

Where you at Miss Spy?

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

Still here dodging tumbleweeds.

Therbs said...

For me 7 and 9 ring true. You seem to giggle a lot when you've had a couple of bevvies.
I can swim butterfly but find it the most pointless of strokes and do not understand how it ever rated as an Olympic event.
As far as music is concerned its gotta have a backbeat, any old way you choose it.
Now pour yourself a Makers Mark and put on some Led Zep.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Drinking alcohol makes you funny? Lucky woman.
This post didn't appear on my reader. You must have done something sly with the date.

Anneal said...

Awwwwwwww

Anonymous said...

Hey ChickyBabe,
You play nice fretless.
This-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQTzO2eRwwE

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