Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

CLOSET CONFESSIONS

Every time I nude up for the shower my daughter somehow manages to materialise. Coincidence or not, it has become so frequent that I usually respond to her presence in the bathroom with a hearty ‘rack off you lesbian!’ You see Samantha and I have this running joke about our sisters from the Isle of Lesbos. With all the mock innocence she can muster, Samantha asks me ‘Mother...what would you do if I was to tell you that I was gay?’ to which I respond with all the quelle horreur I can manage ‘I’d disown you of course!’ This is all delivered with a huge side order of Kraft and honestly, I don’t have a problem with people’s choices in sexual preferences (not that there’s anything wrong with that!) but hiding underneath all that homophobic role playing is a shred of truth. I am scared of lesbians: scared to death of them in fact. So there you go, I’ve said it. The shameful truth is out there. I’ve only ever met a handful of the sisters in my life, so clearly my judgement is limited, but in each case the experience was such an unmitigated disaster that now I just give them all the wide berth. Call me ridiculous and irrational but don’t call me irresponsible with my life insurance policy.

Lesbian Number One: was an unattractive bi-sexual and the wife of one of my first husband’s friends, Doug. A Harley Davidson enthusiast, this man was a particularly nefarious character and fashioned leather goods for an array of equally dubious purposes under his house on the southside of Brisbane. His kinky wife decided she was going to initiate me into the ways of the super-friendly sisterhood on my hen’s night. I wasn’t going to have hen’s party but she persuaded me to her house for ‘cocktails’ rather than spend the evening alone. So I arrive overdressed in my best frock, to what amounted to be a biker chick meet. This hen was superfluous. In hindsight, I really should have sensed something was up when she put on that blonde wig and lace-up leather bustier and cornered me in the lounge room with a predatory expression. She was speeding off her dial and truly frightening to behold. This was the early 90s and long before I had a mobile phone so after she went the rough grope on my pre-nuptials, I had no choice but to leg it from my own party (in high heels) and find a taxi on the foreboding night time streets of downtown Rochedale.

Lesbian Number Two: was a promotions staff member at the Once Formidable Radio Station. One of the best things about working there was all the freebies. If it was a new magazine or an energy drink or tickets to a concert, we’d suddenly find it on our desks at any given moment of the day. I suppose some would call it target marketing; we always called it ‘getting free shit’. The funniest thing ever to arrive on our desks was a promotional can of ‘Spray on Stud’. Apparently this gear gave you numb nuts so you could ‘go the distance’. Judging by some of the weasels in sales, whose sex lives I’d say would have been primarily solitary; I’d suggest that prolonging the act with ‘an erection that doesn't quit’ would just cause an unecessary bout of chaffing (either that or the man in question has a prostate big enough to park a Volvo in!) Anyways...turn up at any radio station in the morning while that mail is being sorted out and you will see grown adults squealing like a bunch of deranged Wiggles fans. Sadly, much of my day was spent handing the free shit out to the listeners and this is where my lesbian comes into the story. Before Lesbian Number Two arrived on the scene, whenever I wanted something from the prize cupboard that took my fancy, I would simply ask for it. Sometimes the answer would be ‘yes’ and at other times it would be ‘no’ and I was happy to live with that. When LN2 took over the role things changed drastically. Suddenly the amount of prizes given away and the stock levels didn’t match and it became normal for me to be standing in reception with a listener explaining that his prize had gone walkabout and would he like something else instead…in a nutshell prizes were going missing and LN2 was quick to point the finger at me and make a big scene. I was indignant and explained to her that theft wasn’t my style and if I wanted something, I would just ask for it. She in turn created this elaborate arse-covering system that involved co-signing for prize stock in order to placate her angry boss. This intolerable situation, in which I was regularly left embarrassed with an empty-handed prize winner in front of me at the reception desk, was really starting to mess with my head. To make matters worse, she treated me like a recalcitrant child in private but quickly turned on the disingenuous charm for the listeners and the rest of the staff. She enjoyed the amount of power her position afforded her. Salesmen were always smarming around her sniffing out the best tickets for Lions’ games and announcers were always after the best seats to whatever concert was on. LN2 had a lot of people at her beck and call. Some would say she was just taking advantage of the quid pro quo. I would say she was just cunning and manipulative. Essentially all of this means I was the one lone soldier in this battle with the LN2. The reception area was well segregated from the rest of the staff so this also meant she could wager her daily assault on me without any witnesses. Suddenly LN2 developed a fascination with expensive overnight express bags and posting CDs which I thought was odd considering she had imposed a steadfast ‘no posting prizes to the listeners policy’. After a month of this I was beginning to get fed up, mainly because I was the desk monkey in charge of ordering supplies. I reported her to the boss but nothing seemed to happen. LN2 disappears three months later. Apparently she’d been fixing the numbers when ordering prize stock and has been secretly selling her stash of unaccounted-for goodies on EBay and posting it from the premises! Last thing I heard the radio station was going to take her to court. I just wish I had the opportunity to see her again and give her a piece of my mind the sneaky bitch! Oh and I know that her being a bitch has nothing to do with her being a lesbian but I’m afraid the machinations of my mind don’t frequent very noble territory. Call it a nasty blind spot.

Lesbian Number Three: I didn’t even know her in person. I crossed paths with her online a couple of years back and now she hates my guts. What is it with me and lesbians? Why does this keeps happening to me? To be honest, I was probably asking for it. Referring to lesbians as the 'Fanny Rub Club' was not my finest moment.

22 comments:

Dr Yobbo said...

Fanny rub club FTW.

What was it Ian Fleming said in Goldfinger? 'Once is coincidence, twice is happenstance, three times it's enemy action?' Ironically that had some pretty gender-politics-questionable lesbianality in it.

yankeedog said...

Meh. Sexual preference is way down on the list of stuff I get concerned about on the average day.

The write-up is up to your usual standard, though. You do run into some interesting people, don't you?

Steve said...

I have a feeling none of these three examples would be the kind that are featured in the good kind of girl-on-girl porn. Ahem.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

ALD: I'm sorry to hear of your predicament. Honestly. I'm not laughing hysterically or anything :D

YOB: Lesbianality. I'm so gonna steal that word.

YANKEE: I have a knack.

STEVE: I was waiting for it :D

Bangar said...

Why do I think a backing track of the Scissor Sisters appropriate.

Steve said...

No, Bangar, what it needs is some Indigo Girls, or perhaps Melissa Ethridge.

Girl Clumsy said...

Hah! Love the story about the Once Formidable Radio Station promo bitch. Mind you, I've a definite keenness for seeing workplace psychopaths get their comeuppance at the moment,but that's a whole other story.

Being in the theatre, I've got a fair few lesbian friends, to the point where I call them the "Sapphic Mafia". I can vouch that there are lovely ones out there. :)

MrScribbler said...

A radio host in my former home refers to such ladies as "Lebanese."

I have long experience with women of the Lesbianic persuasion. I try to remember that we are essentially looking for the same things. As long as I get mine, they're welcome to the leftovers....

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

SCRIBS: Hello my good man! I think there's enough to go around for everyone don't you? :D Lesbianic...another great derivative like Yobbo's Lebsianility!

CLUMSYGIRL: Yeah if any nice ones read this I'd be mortified! As for workplace psychopaths...we'd be getting into the plural at that place now wouldn't we? :D

STEVE: I was thinking more KD Lang's Constant Craving...oh GAWD lesbian soundtracks would make an excellent topic to discuss. Check out Melissa Ferrick's Drive.

Bondiboy66 said...

I like the term 'women in comfortable shoes'.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

BONDI: How's the head after your night out?

I'd just like to add that I totally get why lesbians do what they do. The female form is a wonderful thing. I'm glad I have one. They just scare me :D

The Rhino said...

Nat, I would totally go lesbian if it meant I could grope you. And I mean that in a completely manly, non-gay way.

You are hysterical woman. Hmmm ... maybe that is why you are such Les-Bait.

Les-Bait. LOL. I kill me.

You totally rock and I demand that you spend more time writing.

Bondiboy66 said...

Heheh as stated in certain other comments sections I was somewhat tired the next day. Thankfully the hangover cleared rapidly with coffee and panadol!

Oh and I too totally get the lesbian thing. I am a long term admirer of the female form myself! Unfortunately most lesbians I have encountered were even blokier than me.

Flinthart said...

Rhino... aside from having one X chromosome too few, you and are pretty much lesbian anyway, aren't we? I mean -- what with wanting to sleep with women and all that.

NatV: beautifully written, as ever. And the image of you in your frock and heels fleeing the attentions of a savage leather biker babe had me giggling like a loon. You poor creature, you!

I will put in a good word for The Sisterhood. Not all of 'em are froot loops. But the ones who like to make a big, loud point of it so they get noticed by all and sundry - yeah, they tend to be a bit difficult to take.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

FLINT: Thank you Dirk :D The shoes came off halfway down the main drag when some ridgeback started chasing me. I was then picked up by some undercover cops and questioned. They just wanted to know where I'd been and I told them I wouldn't have a clue! They ambled off with a shrug and left me there.

BONDI: Yeah I think this lipstick lesbian thing is just a myth :D

RHINO: Now that's better!...LES.BAIT...oh dear :D

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

Oh and MR SCRIBBLER! Do you live in Piano in Texas?

NowhereBob said...

One of my bestest ever mates is a she who batts for the home team.
She and I have spent many many evenings discussing the problems of the world with her seemingly inexhaustable supply of excellant sipping bourbon.
We have discussed many times hetro reactions to Home Team Love. She reckons that almost all women have worked out that sex sans-sausage can be fulfilling, they usually make this discovery by themselves at 13 or 14. Where things get Hinky is the craptacular preconceptions that folk get from pop culture and (distressingly for her) some Dykes play up to - eg the Boilersuit & Blundstone set, or the leather Harley Queens.
Most (90%+) of the Dykes I have had the pleasure of knowing have painted nails & lips, hairless legs & pits and a highly developed dress sense. As a result they would never be picked as such, until you're invited into their home where they relax and kiss their partner. So you probably do know many nice dykes, you just don't know they pass on schlong.
There is also the fear "What if she is attracted to me? Oh Dog what if I'm attracted to her?" quandry that many herto people just don't seem to be able to cope with. This has always spun me out. Most people would be way flattered to be looked at with a Grr by a person of the opposite sex, why is it any different if someone of your own gender looks you up & down and thinks "I'd like to wear that ass as a hat."

Sorry for the rambled rant.
Love your words.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

BOB: How you've been missed turtle man! Many thanks for the delicious comment. Ramble to your heart's content.

And for the record: I'm pretty clear cut in my partiality for you men. No wondering here :D

Havock21 said...

hmm, heading in the opposite direction I have nevver had an issue with gay men. They are scattered around all over the joint and work has typically been where I have come across them ( no fkn pun intended OK!). So, it was really quite a shock when the.... world here at the PONDO was obliterated by two gay men who happen to sell this..heavy fkn duty EXPENSIVE as fk Cookware, that we have every fkn piece of BTW.

TALK about run the hackles up on H..I had to depart and was cordial of course but this so called well adjusted male went fkn south for a while.

Both of them are really nice blokes..and there was a lot of effort on my part to ensure that the boss lady didn't get wind of any issues as such. Took longer than i though and I'm laying at the HOME TURF THIS IS MY PONDO BASE as being the issue..well fk knows really. Over it i guess.

As for the ( I dont typically utilise this one )..but it has been used I will say, Dish lickers..bahhhh!, its all fkn good. each to his own.

LMAO..

Therbs said...

Nat, I've met somefinelasses of the lesbian bent and some real meat grinders, but that's their lot and its up to them to deal with it. Ignore the crusty combative ones, they're still drowning in insecurity. Ignore them as you would a bloke who acts the same way. I reckon that bitch at the Radio Station should have fun in prison.

Now, when you were at that party did anyone have a camera?

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

THERBS! HARRY! My apologies for the tardy reply :-[ It's really good to see you both back on my blog. I've missed you both.

THERBS: Ha! Believe me it wasn't pretty. Certainly didn't warrant keeping a permanent record :-D

HARRY: ROFL! You, a well adjusted deity...went south? Oh man did I laugh and laugh and laugh :-D

Flinthart said...

Bwahahaahaaaahahaha! Oh, that's gorgeous!

Glib, funny as hell, and with the unmistakable ring of truth. Vintage stuff, ma'am!

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