Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Friday, March 12, 2010

BEAUTY AND BEASTIALITY!

OMFG. I've just been offered a role on a 'Beauty and the Beast' style program on community television! I haven't been this excited since the day I divorced my first husband. When I worked at the Once Formidable Radio Station, I met Mr X at reception. He was regularly employed as a voiceover talent. We've had a few beers and plenty of shits and giggles since. Anyways, just as I was at my lowest ebb professionally, he rang me out the blue yesterday with the news. I doubt that visitors to this page would be connoisseurs of daytime TV but you may remember the last rendition of this show in Australia was headed up by the late and overtly obtuse Stan Zemanek; a persona likely to be relished by ratings-hungry networks. The format of the program required a ‘beastly’ male host and a panel of female ‘beauties’ (a term used very loosely if you consider Jeannie Little and the likes of myself) who attempt to solve viewers’ problems with sage (but more often ridiculous) advice. We haven’t met to discuss our personas or the tone of the program as yet but I would expect that the standards won’t be as restrictive as they would be on a commercial station. That said, I don't expect the world would be ready for Aunt Mavis (well fuck me swinging you’re one sad little soldier!) but you can be sure that I'll want to scratch the funny bone wherever possible. Earnestness isn't my strong suit. For the pilot we are going to have to write mock problems and this is where I seek your assistance. I would be grateful for your Agony Aunt conundrums for the panel’s consideration. They don’t need to be crass or humorous (as the comedy emanates from the solutions themselves) but they do have to be composed in such a way as to be vaguely genuine and provide scope. You can bet your bottom dollar the panel is going to have some New Age Hippy on board! I would very much like to make this a collaborative project for those of you with the time or the inclination. I will leave this post open for a considerable time in case the mood strikes you later.

31 comments:

yankeedog said...

Does it pay (your new gig, that is)? If so, congrats! Well, congrats anyway.

When you get to be a star, will you remember all the little people that pushed and prodded you along the way?

If I think of a suitable conundrum, I'll pass it along. But I suspect the local folks can come up with better ideas.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

It won't be paid until it is sponsored Yankee. However, the experience will be invaluable. Oh and I seriously doubt that stardom is on the horizon. Just lots of delicious fun.

jennicki said...

You HAVE to post it up on YouTube! Would love to watch! Congrats Nat! :D

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

Absolutely Jen! You are too kind. Many thanks :D

Anneal said...

I'd watch/listen just to hear that accent of yours. I already know you're a witty woman. What a plus to get you on the program..Congrats!

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

Crazy man :D

Dr Yobbo said...

I reckon you should invert the format and have an entire panel of beauties with foul-mouthed beastly temperaments.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

If only Doctor. If only.

YsambartCourtin said...

"I run a football club canteen. Many people are saying that we should stock healthier options than pies, sausage on a bun and chips, but when we do, no one eats them. Help me Beauties."

YsambartCourtin said...

"I am painfully shy . I'm a nice person and kind, but just can't pluck up the courage to try and speak to nice men, and only get attention from beasts. How can I be more outgoing."

Barnesm said...

HUZZAH, I say HUZZAH, any way I can help feed the flames that gets us more Natalia the Russian Spy on more media is a great thing.

Jyggdrasil said...

That is fantastic news. Briz31 FTW!

Abe said...

That's great news Nat!

Will that hotchick from Crazy Crosswords get a guernsey too?!

Anyway I'll put my thinking cap on and get back to you. Hope you're gonna post the highlights on Youtube!

Simon said...

“I havent been able to keep a girlfriend for more than a few weeks, and I think its because I have a very small penis which makes me unable to satisfy them sexually. Ive been advised that hanging weights on the end will help me. What does your panel think?”

All right. You can omit the penultimate sentence. But otherwise it HAS to be a valid question for an agony aunt.

Aside from that, congratulations, and good luck!

Nautilus said...

Way to go Nat and I reckon Mavis needs her own special segment.

My question:

"I am handsome, charming, witty, sauve, generous, intelligent, articulate, talented and possibly (that's my fabulous modesty, there is no possibly about it)the greatest human walking the earth. Why don't people like me?"

Anonymous said...

Natalia- Fantastic news. As Jen said, it would be good to see it on Youtube, please do.

Gosh, I have a conundrum every godforsaken day of my life. I just have to think of something suitable for your purposes. I'm sure I alone could keep you in business...
Abigail

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

NAUT: I could answer that question right now sweetheart. You're a fuckwit.

But in the nicest way possible :D

SIMON: I'd have thought it would have been a more of an overnight thing petal. Talk about slow on the uptake :D Penultimate...MWAH!

ABE: I have no idea who she is...but I must make a note of that! Please do come back.

DOCTOR J: HELLOOOOOO! Greetings. You must be happy that summer is approaching?

BARNES: You darling man :D

BART: Gorgeous! You've hit the ground running.

ABIGAIL: Hello there and welcome. Don't despair too much...my entire life has enough fodder for five year's worth of programs :D

Anonymous said...

Natalia- My pleasure. I love your style , your writing is fabulous and I can only wish you every success with your talents :)

Now to think up a relly weird, obscure problem...

Abigail

Bondiboy66 said...

Shit hot Nat! I do hope to be able to see the results via Teh InterWbz too.

Oh surely Aunt Mavis can come out to play too? Advice like 'Harden the Fuck Up you softhead!' would really liven up daytime TV I reckon. Especially the likes of Dr. Phil et al.

I must think of suitable questions for you...

yankeedog said...

As for me, Nat-I still got nothin'. Reckon it's because I lead the simple life, am a national treasure, and a friend to all.

I do know a guy from over on the west end of town, though. His name's D'Jefferson, but his street name is Ol' Dirty Douchebagg (yes, with two 'g's). He has a problem that perhaps you all could help him with. I'll let him take over:

----

Man, my ol' lady don't understand me. T'other day I sent her down to Link's Thug Alley to get a rhinestone collar for mah pit bull, T-Ramp. She done stomped back in all pissed off 'cuz we spent a C on a collar then she starts bitchin' about how I spend all the house money on the motherfuckin' dog and I'm stealin' food from her and our daughters, LaShonda, LaKeisha, Kenosha, and Chlamydia. Bitch carried on all weekend 'bout this shit. I tol' her to go get a damn job and shut her mouth. It ain't like the fuckin' dog's eaten steak every motherfuckin' day. Shit, I only feed him twice a month otherwise the fucker'll get a fat ass and he won't be worth a damn.

So lemme ax you this: How do I get the ol' lady to see that the pit bull gots to have the bling? People see that dog, and they gotta recognize. Otherwise, they think I'm just frontin', know what I'm sayin? It's law of the jungle out here, man.

You down with me?

--

Uh...on second thought, you may not be able to use that after all. Sorry. O.D.D. can be a bit...coarse in his language.

Mayhem said...

Babe, where do I start?

Congrats and I'll try to work out something for you. Might be easier to just visit my blog and pick out one of the many pieces of angst contained therein. I'm sure you're clever enough to turn some of my crap into gold!

Domestic Daze said...

Unfortunately, silly is all I have right now.

Hi, I am a happily married woman who works part time to help with the morgage. Unfortunately my husband is not too keen on my job. You see, I am a part time dominatrix, it does bring in good money however my husband is terrified I shall meet up with one of my 'clients' at the golf club and insists I leave my employment immediately.
I too have been a little on the secretive side of things, after all I daren't mention my best customer also happens to be the Grand Master of his lodge. Please help.

Not much, sorry.

Steve said...

"Hello, I'm a famous actor from New Zealand, but everyone thinks I'm Australian. That assumption makes me so angry, I want to hit random people in the face with a telephone.

My question is, if I start a rock band, will people buy the CD's simply because I'm such a great actor?"

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

STEVE: Chances are zilch Rusty :D

DD: Thank you mate. Made me giggle :D

MAYHEM: If only I had a horny man in Melbourne...my problems would be solved. Lovely to see you.

YANKEE: ODD is an exaggerated version of some guy I know in Ipswich. Scary huh?

BONDI: I don't think anyone will appreciate Mavis as much as the old JS crew!

ABIGAIL: God knows the LOBES dramas would be fodder enough. Thank you for the lovely compliments.

PS. Noticed how he's STFU??? :D

Flinthart said...

Oh, this is brilliant. Doc Yob's suggestion is fabulous, though -- reverse the paradigm, and give all the 'Beauties' a raging dose of PMS, but make the single bloke a really decent chap. That would be goddam hilarious. And despite your abundant good nature, your writing around here shows you can snap and snarl with the best of 'em. The PMS version would give the women a real chance to sharpen their claws. Much funnier than the other version, I think. (Especially with you!)

Meanwhile: a mock question.

"I'm a public figure, best known for my life as an environmentally and politically aware rock songs, and my unbelievably misshapen bald lumpy head. Recently, at the request of certain friends, I entered politics and achieved a position of public visibility and responsibility. However, when I tried to actually do something, it turned out that I'm a completely clueless munter, and now everybody hates me. I want to show my electorate and my political party that I can truly be an asset to the government and the nation -- so please, what can I do?"

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

Indeed Yobbo's idea is sound as a pound. Kind of like Grumpy Old Women with a mild-mannered referee.

I'm really looking forward to channeling my inner crow for this project. Nice is dull :D

As for your mock question...the barbs we could jab...oh the endless possibilities!

Anonymous said...

Flinthart- hahaha. God, how do you laugh with any dignity at all on the net?--I mean "hahaha"??

Ok I thought of a couple of Q's.

First one-- the guy who said it and what he said is the truth, the rest is not, but here 'tis:

Dear B&B lovelys,
My 35 y/o single, male, Irish fbf writes amazing, provocative status updates.He's actually quite a talent and I'd like to see him plucked from anonymity. trouble is sometimes they;re like this one from today :
"I can fit three fingers in ,either side"

Do you think society is too uptight (oh, will you look at that)

second thing is I was in Woolies today and for the millionth time somebody was standing behind me waiting for me to move so they could get past.
The thing is they are doing it in silence. They're both pissed off with you and completely mistaken in assuming one has special kinetic powers "hark! I feel someone behind me"

How do we deal with this to put a stop to this annoying situation? Abi

Anonymous said...

Bugger I didn't finish my question for first one- about my friend's commentary. Rest was- do we decide all men are being women hating for making such provactive statements or is this a new wave of men striking back at a standard where women are allowed to roll their eyes about men's jocks& cocks but they can't do the same about us?
Abigail

NowhereBob said...

Dear Beast.
I am a middle aged public servant, in a NowhereJob(too obvious?) and marriage dripping with mutual contempt. I recently discovered the blog of a myserious, fabulous and dangerous woman.
My trouble is that I now obsess about her almost every waking hour. Every beautiful woman I pass makes me wonder if it is her, every witty comment I hear makes me think of her. I find myself daydreaming of her and this has caused several felons with serious convictions to escape lawful custody. I hasten to add the dogs & electrified fences rounded them up pretty swiftly, but even the smell of convict scorching on the wire made me think of her professed love of BBQ's and beer.
Last night at dinner I was sculpting my mashed potatoes into a svelte female figure with an NKVD badge, my spud-like spouse stopped shovelling food into her maw for long enough to look askance at the figure I had created. "That's not supposed to be me is it?" she slobbered through her partially masticated meal.
I thought 'no, obviously not, it has discernable hips and cleavage that ends above the navel.' I think she may be onto me.

What should I do?

YsambartCourtin said...

NowhereJob - awesome. Some spun gold here.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

ABIGAIL: I shall give your conundrums my full attention :D

NOWHEREJOB: Somebody might suggest you should call her and thrash it out!

BART: That's solid gold. To be sure. You've been quiet on Twitter. Busy Bart?

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