Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Friday, November 13, 2009


As a mildly modern, socially responsible type of person, I was quietly confident that I had expunged most ‘isms’ from my attitudes. I don’t indulge in racism, sexism or ageism and I once tried fundamentalism but didn’t like the outfits. Well it has come to my attention that I need to address a new ‘ism’ of which I’m guilty. A prejudice against good-looking people: spunkism. I hate you all! I was browsing through KWOFF this morning when I happened upon an article about the new social networking site which is essentially a dating service for gorgeous guys and gals only. Apparently potential members need to upload a photo of themselves before being eligible to create an account. So in a grand moment of disillusion I think to myelf ‘I must try this!’ (being the glutton for punishment that I am) and sure enough I was rejected with a resounding ‘Nope. Not good enough love.’ Well blow me! Fuck you beautiful people and your inner sanctum! Fuck you all with your glossy hair, symmetrical features and well-turned ankles!

So what are the creators of this website saying? I’ll tell you what they’re saying. They’re saying the rest of us who are short, flat-chested, bald, knock-kneed and unsymmetrical are not worthy of love. We are left marginalised, disempowered and oppressed. I guess that’s nothing new though is it? Botticelli, Raphael, Manet and Matisse all preferred the pretty lasses. How do you think the Venus de Milo lost her arms? Knocked off no doubt in a jealous fit by a woman whose arms looked like a string bag full of camembert. Only great humanitarians like Rubens dared to paint overweight women; Picasso at least made women with flat heads and pointy noses feel good about themselves. Then there’s Michelangelo’s sculpture of David isn't there boys? Ahem.

You have to ask yourself what will our society be like if we continue to judge people by their spunk quotient. Will all the people with wonky noses by forced to live under bridges; will people who have acne have to ride in the last train carriage; are we creating a huge underclass of people with unmanageable nasal hair? Honestly! I believe people that have been denied positions to model underwear because they have beer guts should have legal redress. And be generously compensated.

Now for those of you who have been reading this blog for some time know that this isn’t the first occasion that I have despaired about perfection in others. Back in 2007* I wrote an article chronicling the favouritism beautiful people received at my place of work, specifically a young spunk who enjoyed preferential treatment in that he routinely failed to turn up to shifts and was never admonished. I clearly remember a most astute observation made by Girl Clumsy: ‘The worst thing, though, is when beautiful people are also really nice, or really talented. I mean, come on. If you're naturally stunning, then at least have the decency to be a total shit, or at least dumb.’ You bet your ass! You can only console yourself with being witty, mildly brainy and having a good body for so long folks. Just look at Venus and weep.

*For the sake of nostalgia I have inserted some memorable comments in response to my original whinge below. And don't visit that bloody site!


Natalia the Russian Spy said...

NOWHERE BOB: The good Mr's Nowhere survived about 3 years on 1 licence demerit point on looks. Despite a lead sole & ball bearing ankle. Someimtes it was luck, IE 120 past a cop car & they didn't zap her with the LIDAR. However 9 times out of 10 it would be 1 or 2 extra blouse buttons undone & the harshest of cautions was all she'd get. I'd be sitting there doing the "har de har yo busted now" dance and have to eat my words.
I even saw her blatt her eyelashes through a search cordon put around a nightclub. A VFGT (Very F.. Good Thing) considering what was tucked into the waistband of her knickers.
So beauty has it's power, and more luck to those who wield it. I'ts good to have a plan B though, again referring to SWMBO she can turn into a ball cutting biatch if & when the mood strikes her. I have personally scraped up the charred remains of officious little bastards who have bought this shitstorm upon themselves.

DROPBEAR: I find your admonishing of us beautiful people distasteful, and you'll be hearing from my stylist...

BRYAN: Ya I hate people better looking than me so it has never really affected me that way ;)
I keed I keed.
A cop friend once told me if a pretty girl flashed some leg or battered the eye lashes and pouted, he'd give her an extra ticket, If she pushed out her boobs or hinted at sexual favours to get off a speeding fine or traffic offence he'd have to hold himself back from arresting her. Some people it has the reverse effect they take it as an insult, I know I do.

BARNESM: Listen, its a guy thing, we have limited blood supply and in the presence of anything that, how shall I put this, 'gives us wood' results in a reduced supply to the brain.
This explains such behaviours and garbled speech, confusion and suggestibility.
Same thing can happen in the face of expensive toys hence why we can end up spending a year's wage on an entertainment system.
Limited blood supply and reduced oxygen to the brain.

GURU BOB: What can I say I am a total sucker for the good looking ones every time. However it is usually along the lines of 'look but don't touch'. But when I was single all the limits were off, its just that when I moved to suny Melbourne I discovered that the beautiful ones down here are probably more interested in the size of your trust fund then your other assets... in which case I was almost invisible.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

SAVO: Alaskan says he's not affected by beauty, me, I'm not afflicted by beauty. Even my mum wonders where my goggly eyes come from. I have been told I have a very pleasant telephone voice (along with a great face for radio). I had been make a number of arrangements with a pharmacist and his receptionist to meet to interview them in relation to a stack of drugs that had disappeard from a hospital, when I turned up the receptionist said, quite miffed, "I was expecting Don Johnson and instead I got Columbo".

TOBP-STEVE: Maybe Alaskanwarrior is not affected by beauty because he's in Alaska and sees so little of it there, what with the flannel and the winter parkas and the bulking up for winter.

BONDI: Yes, in a former line of work I encountered the beautiful, the famous, the rich...and treated them the same as any other bugger.
I can understand the 'rush of blood' one gets when meeting a gorgeous member of the opposite sex - in my younger days (daze?) unvoiced thoughts of actually getting these fine examples of pulchritude into the sack were always hovering...however marriage and bitter experience have shown that those thoughts are but higher order fantasy.

Now I just remember the advice my father gave me (and I have passed this on to my three eldest sons) 'Son, its like going to the Car Show- you can look, but you can't take them for a test drive'.

GIRL CLUMSY: You know, it was always one of my greatest, most superficial desires, to be one of the "beautiful" people. Someone that just forced jaws to drop whenever I wandered past, hips swaying in the most alluring fashion.
Perhaps it's still possible, through diet, exercise and a Nicole Kidman's worth of surgical "adjustments". But I doubt it. ;)
I think secretly, we'd all like to be uber-beautiful, even if just for an hour or two. Just to see what it's like. Just to be fawned over for a bit by random strangers.
What's great about the internet though, is that it's opened the world up for really clever, funny, insightful people - who perhaps aren't first in line for the Vogue cover shoot. Now I'm also jealous of people like NatV here, who's managed to become one of Australia's Top 100 bloggers. How do I manage that?

(Now that's not to say NatV isn't also totally hawt. I work with her, and I know!)

BIG BAD AL: I know what you mean NatV. Whenever women are around me they get all flustered and blushy and cannot speak properly. I don't know why.
If you have a squillion dollars and own half the country or a small island republic, no matter how butt ugly you are you will always be surrounded by "Beautiful" people. Just look at Birmo and the Hovercraft Bunnies.

BANGAR: Should we start up a chorus of "Beautiful People" ?

ABE FRELLMAN: There are so many mondegreens in that song....or anything sung by James Reyne for that matter.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

HAVOCK: OMG Girl clumsy, you would have heard of nothing but HAVOCK this and HAVOCK that from Nat and all the other females: I have learnt to deal with being BEAUTIFUUUUULLLL and admiration and a great body....Now if I can just migrate this into reality i will be way cool. You have heard that they say nothing beats clevage, tight jeans and a nice smile ....well.mmm almost nothing.

HUGHESY: The agency I worked in had a model agency as a sideline (in fact, it supplied many of Birmo's bunnies). Anyway, having the model agency there was a bit of a work place health an safety issue for agency staff. Because matter cannot be destroyed (ask Barnes for the science here), and as the models were ALWAYS on a diet, the matter they lost had to go somewhere, and naturally, it landed on my arse!
To fix this, I moved one of the models into my place to share the rent. I figured that I'd go on her diet, and shed some of that model matter onto someone else's arse. Unfortuately, this particular model was a freak of nature who filled my fridge up with pizza, maccas and just about every kind of junk food you could imagine. It called for drastic measures.
So I threw away the scales in the bathroom and took down the mirrors. If you live with beautiful people without measuring yourself up against their freaky genes, the weirdest thing happens - suddenly, you add five inches to your height and lose about twenty kilos - you come to think that becasue they are looking at you, you are just as beautiful as the creature you are looking at. I used the beautiful girl as my mirror instead.
But it really helped having the same shoe size.

And at the same agency, every year we held a huge party that EVERYONE wanted an invite to - for obvious reasons, it would be filled with spectacularly beautiful people.
Sixteen year old front desk girl is taking the RSVPs on the phone, and we hear her sternly dealing with a caller - no, I don't care who you are, if you're not on the list, you can't come.
She slams the phone down angrily and is asked by the boss - who was that dear?
Some deadshit pervy bloke who want's to come to the party.
And did he tell you his name sweetie?
Yeah, Jamie Packer or someone.
See - even the fabulously wealthy can make utter losers of themselves when it comes to gaining access to beauty. Which kind of makes Jamie just one of the guys I guess, and proves that money can't buy you everything.
(for US peeps - Jamie Packer is an Australian centafuckitillionaire)

G: I hate beautiful people because I am not one .... there I said it... happy now ... bastards ;)

YsambartCourtin said...

Good post, got me ranting over on my blog :)

Lou said...

I love the "Too ugly to join? Click here to browse as a guest."

Yes I too am a glutton for punishment so I clicked to browse - apparently though there are so many ugly people trying to catch a glimpse at the spunks that their servers are overloaded right now *sigh*

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

LOU: NOOOOOO!!!!!! I warned ya baby! JUST. DON'T. GO. THERE.

BART: Bet you were allowed to browse ya spunk...bastige!

YsambartCourtin said...

Heh, I'm disqualified as they don't have weight divisions :)

Girl Clumsy said...

Oh, I'd heard about that site.

I assume eventually the beautiful people will die out - they'll wind up like prize-winning dog purebreeds - all looks and nothing up top. They'll all be run over by errant cyclists or something in the end!

I'm interested in submitting two photos - one dodgy-ass tracky-dacks type shot, the other of me all done up in finery. See what happens. Actually, both would probably get rejected, and then where would I be? ;)

Dr Yobbo said...

I see this as a win. Keeps the pretty, stupid and vacuous out of everyone else's dating scene. There's nothing less attractive than being smug, superficial and elitist, which is what this lot are self-selecting as.

Bondiboy66 said...

Pah! They don't deserve you on that site Nat!

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

BONDI: I love you.

YAWB: Yah. Smug gives me a soft on.

CLUMSY: We can only hope the inbreds will create three-eyed monsters in the future.

yankeedog said...

Well, I'll give a pass, then. Might have to look up or or instead. That'd be more my league anyway.

You cant make Open your eyes and your hearts, people! C'mon, man!

You're better off anyway.

Bondiboy66 said...

I've already got pics on those sites YD. Oh, except for that fucken one. Buncha fucken snobs. What is wrong with grease stained tracky daks and a Cold Chisel Tshirt huh? The Winnie Reds a bit much? I know - it was the half a mo I've got going for Movember wasn't it?

Steve said...

So is pretty much just a website for people cut from the same genetic cloth as Arthur Kade?

If so, we would be doing a service to humanity, and strengthening the gene pool, if we found a way to get rid of them all.

Dr Yobbo said...

Maybe we could organise an IRL meetup for all the members of the site, and drop a construction crane on it.

NowhereBob said...

Rejected, and I even polished the shell.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

BOB: Hey you! Perhaps you should have shed the shell. STILL don't know what you look like!

STEVE: I had to google that guy's pictures...BLEH...smug, pretentious, collar grabbing tool by the looks.

YOB: Maybe the entire 27th Airborne Battalion could lay down a cover of napalm and cluster bombs on the location just to be sure.

BONDI: They wouldn't know a real man if he fell on them!

YANKEE: I thought those links were actually real...I can't believe nobody has nabbed!

idoru said...

I will re-change my name back to Zoolander and dig out the ol' "Blue Steel" look to get in as I'm pretty sure there's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking,

NowhereBob said...

Aha, It wouldn't be a very good secret identity if I gave it up that easily, now would it?
Messers Beeso & JB will vouch for my devestating good looks, rapier wit & poor impulse control.

Steve said...

Nat, Arthur Kade is from Philadelphia, so by default he's a tool regardless of what he grabs.

Anonymous said...

Their loss darl, their loss.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

Apologies folks. Have been on the Gold Coast swimming and burning myself raw on the beach.

ID: Damn I wish there was.

STEVE: I find it hard to keep up with which states in the US are cool. Help!

CHAZ: Thanks bub.

Steve said...

Nat-Philadelphia is a city of 1.5M douchebags. Let me put it this way....for the movie Rocky III, they put a statue of "Rocky" on the top of the Museum of Art steps. They liked it so much, they gave the statue a permanent spot just outside that same museum.

Texas, and all of her cities, are rarely cool.

The triangle of Chicago, Milwaukee and Madison Wisconsin is probably as cool as it gets. Just don't tell anyone from that area that you cheer for a New York sports team and they'll give you the shirt off their back (but, due to the horrible diet of people from there, you'll beg them to put it back on).

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