Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

READ MY LIPS BIAAATCH

The controversy that continues to surround lip-syncing fascinates me and I would like to write a piece in it's defence. Usually it would give me the greatest of pleasures to skewer musicians that are infinitely more successful than myself but that'd be hypocritical...because quite frankly, after working long hours I get so exhausted from typing that I'm unable to write live. That's when I resort to type-syncing. I pretend to type while a pre-written document is typed out for me. In fact I'm doing it right now. The words you are reading were actually typed in advance; I'm just miming along. If done correctly, the reader GORILLA LICKS A JELLY DONUT can't tell the difference. Because of chronic fatigue DANCING MY ASS OFF I've chosen to type-sync this article rather than write it normally ZOMBIE GOATS MIGHT EAT ME. The practice of lip-syncing during a live performance is usually frowned upon and considered a crutch used by lesser talents PARTRIDGE FAMILY EXPLODES but one must remember it is required from a production standpoint to ensure the quality of broadcast PAVAROTTI REFUSES TO FREEZE HIS BALLS FOR CRYOGENICS. Sometimes it is necessary to use lip-syncing when the singer is just too fugly to be foistered on the public BEIJING OLYMPICS NOT IMMUNE and other times it's needed when a band is completely talentless and relies heavily on their producers to play and write their own music PETER CRISS PLAYS PIANO WITH NO HANDS! I can't see anything wrong with that. Nobody wants ugly talented people dominating the music scene. That would just confuse all the ugly talented people out there and then there'd be chronic shortages in the field of custodial arts. Have you ever seen a beautiful girl singing into a mop? I didn't think so. And while we're at it, have you ever seen a pretty girl poop on stage? DEFIANT MILLI VANILLI ONLY ADMITS TO CHAFFING Well of course you haven't. So be thankful that Ashlee Simpson did the bolt during her SNL performance back in 2004. Her drummer fucked up and hit the wrong button (as drummers are wont to do) and her song 'Pieces of Me' was played twice. BICEP FEMUR LYMPH GLAND LIVER Suddenly Ashlee was struck by gastro pains and realizing that PATELLA TRAPEZIUS SPLEEN CLAVICLE BOWEL 'pieces of her' would soon become a reality, did a quick jig and ran for the nearest ablutions block whilst her song continued playing. That doesn't mean she's a fraud: just considerate of her adoring public and anatomical waste. Now don't forget that American Bandstand performances were entirely faked and nobody gave a rats about that: except maybe the ugly and talented artists ED SULLIVAN GOES DOWN ON THE DOORS So I ask you: can you imagine a world without lip-syncing? BARITONE DRAG QUEEN VOLUNTEERS FOR TELEVISED CASTRATION If it weren't for lip-syncing then punk bands like Green Day wouldn't get the chance to mock the practice on Top of the Pops in order to orchestrate a reputation for irony and disestablishmentarianism. IGGY POP AND BILLY JOE IMPREGNATE JUNKY BABOON. So as you can see, lip syncing, like oxygen GORILLA LICKING DONUTS are essential to our way of life.

17 comments:

Albion Love Den (aka Blue Box, Jamin, BrisJamin) said...

Fucken Pavarotti. Who's he to deny us his testicles?

YsambartCourtin said...

Unless I am in the same room I always allow for the fact the music may be lip synched, just like the photo may be photoshopped.

I went to an Avril Lavine concert and was happily surprised to know that she can really belt 'em out. Power clipped out for half a minute and she continued through and I could hear her twenty rows back in Boondal.

P.s. - Why Avril? - A friend wanted someone to go with her. She very short and was concerned she wouldn't see anything, so I was lined up to be her piggyback. Completely unnecessary - her demographic seems to be other 5 foot chicks. I've never felt so tall in my life. Being in a room with 40,000 people half a metre shorter than you is quite surreal. I went hunting - of everyone I could find, there were three people taller than me.

Dr Yobbo said...

Hifknlarious Nat. Still chortling. And I don't usually chortle.

"Nobody wants ugly talented people dominating the music scene."

This'd be why Alex 'I ate all the pies' Lloyd disappeared up the exhaust pipe of a Ford Territory some time ago.

YB - opportune time to bust out the inevitable line, 'While you're down there luv...'

Chaz said...

You lost me after the first line....

Nautilus said...

It's jam donut not jelly, I think you need to change the language settings on your type-syncing software.

Harry Secombe NEVER lip synced.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

NAUT: Oh that was quite deliberate and for the sake of my American audience. Trust me on this. The last time I refered to a jam donut the conversation veered toward nocturnal emissions. We so don't want to go there.

CHAZ: I'm crushed!

YOBBO: Cheers! Lloyd's talent was moderate at the best of times. Met him once. Nice chap.

BART: BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!

ALBION: And I bet they were GI-NORMOUS too. *sighs*

Barnesm said...

Wonderfull post, sorry I only just read the update you added in the replies in your lsat post.

Barnesm said...

DAMN IT, treacherous machine sent my post before I finished.

I meant to say sorry about the little one moving out, All I can say is I'd be devastated in the same situation. My sympathies

Moko said...

ROFLMAO.

Oh, the Zombie Goats are working their way there.

Abe said...

FKN ROFKNRLMMFKNAO

Bondiboy66 said...

First of all, please allow me to say 'FKN', or as it's writen on another forum I contribute to: 'fucken'.

Meh, lip syncing...I use to hate it on 'Countdown' and still do to this day. I'd rather see a mediocre live performance than a perfectly polished, yet lip synced, performance any day! Mind you, the likes of Ashlee Simpson, Milli Vanilli and Avril need not apply. (As an aside, I heard a live recording on the radio once of Avril doing a cover of System Of A Down's "Chop Suey'....a truly gut wrenching experience that would have been improved with lip syncing!)

Fucken.*

*Inserted gratuitously for effect

Steve said...

If nobody wants ugly talented people dominating the music scene, I guess that's why the likes of Steven Tyler and Ric Ocasek are few and far between.

Flinthart said...

I lip synch my way through most days. How does anyone get by without it? My children firmly believe I speak with a voice somewhere between that of Pavarotti and Godzilla - those being the two source tracks on my vocoder...

idoru said...

but how will they ugly talented people get laid now they are being photoshopped outta music?

Abe said...

If you put the boots the one on the right is wearing on the one on the left, I think she'd be perfect.

Steve said...

Agreed!

LERMONTOV said...

The Corset on the left, with the boots on the right worn by the girl in the centre

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