Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

STILETTO AND SUSPENDER SERVITUDE

 I think I might owe Hugh Hefner an apology. It pains me to admit it: but my younger more enraged self used to consider him nothing but an evil, opportunistic overlord of sleazedom. Probably had something to do with a raving jealously of his subjects I suspect. My secret heart was bitter with the knowledge that I could never be an object of irrepressible desire and make squillions doing it. But as time went by (sometime in the early 2000s when I gave up looking for a Knight in Shining Armani and the sisters continued to wear power suits with a couple of venture capital portfolios up their sleeves) I began to see him, not so much as malevolent, but merely comical. When I had Foxtel connected I used to find watching Hef on 'Girls of the Playboy Mansion' quite riveting. Whilst your average entrepreneur was number crunching on Wall Street what was Hef doing? Lounging around in his monogrammed dressing gown and velvet scuffs, changing sheets, washing hand towels, perusing photo proofs and having threesomes with buxom blondes. (well that's a tad hard to verify since you only ever saw him watching movies and eating in bed) And what exactly did Hef change into when he wanted to relax? Now for research purposes only you understand: I happened upon one of his publications and have discovered that, with a little age and tolerance under my suspender belt, Hef is in fact a force of conservatism; an expert on handy hints and etiquette on all matters sexual. A sort of under-the-covers version of Martha Stewart. Now whilst Women's Weekly continues to wrestle with how to get pen off your husband's business shirts, Playboy's advice column is happily assisting us with getting edible anal lube off the waterbed. Wouldn't want to damage the vinyl now would we? In another letter a concerned reader asks of the correct procedure for showing appreciation should one catch an illict glimpse of nipple when a lady reaches for an item on the lower shelves at the supermarket. 'Don't drool. Don't touch.' says Playboy. 'Smile and show your appreciation with a simple 'you look terrific!' One has the feeling that without Hef's advice the gentleman may have made a rather uncivilised lunge for the breast in question. A similarly earnest inquiry in the same issue asks about the rules for an affair. Among the tips offered were the following: 'No picture taking or receiving, nothing in writing, no souvenirs and never display affection in public. More importantly, don't change your personal style around your spouse just because you feel different.' As an afterthought Playboy adds, 'frankly, the rules don't make it right' Well blow me Hef! I'd never considered you a keeper of modern-day mores: a promoter of civil behaviour between the sexes! Another reader asks as to the appropriate amount of time to wait before initiating sex with a new partner. Playboy advises to wait at least a day so that each person has sufficient time to talk about their sexual habits. Hmm...not too sure about that one mate.

HIM: Well I like to thrash around for three minutes and then fall into a coma.

HER: Well I just like to lie there like a corpse and let someone else do all the work.

BOTH: Sounds great! Let's do it tomorrow.

When asked about the best way to tie a person to a bed Playboy advises one should use bright, paisley neckties. Unfortunately there were no tips for a girl who finds herself at a loose end with a Lacroix devore silk scarf and a dental floss dispenser...and finally a female reader (WTF???) asks about the rules for a polite one-nighter. 'Leave early' says Playboy. 'Some women think that wearing his pyjamas and padding barefoot around his kitchen preparing French toast and squeezing orange juice is inexpressibly sexy, but if you don't want him to tunnel out through the bathroom, leave before dawn.' Ha! Now that's more like it! If it were me providing advice I would add 'always know where you are going. There's nothing worse than creeping out of bed in the dark, fumbling about for your clothes and phone, stumbling down the hall and closing the door quietly behind you only to find you've locked yourself out of your own house.' Yeah nuff said.

13 comments:

Flinthart said...

That 'dressing gown'? Shows how much you know. The man doesn't change into anything else to relax. Have you ever seen him in anything else? No. It's always that maroon-ish dressing gown.

Thing is, that's not actually a dressing gown. That's his foreskin.

He's very comfortable, thanks.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

*blows rasberries*

Abe said...

Hehehe...

yankeedog said...

'A similarly earnest inquiry in the same issue asks about the rules for an affair. Among the tips offered were the following: 'No picture taking or receiving, nothing in writing, no souvenirs and never display affection in public.'

I take it making a video and putting it on the 'net is probably a no-no, then?

Flinthart said...

His-'n-hers tattoos are also regarded as something of a faux pas, apparently...

Steve said...

What does it say about signing leases?

And I think modern cell phones have made it easier for men/women to do the Walk of Shame fully dressed. They can turn on the phone and use the screen light to locate bra, panties, shoes, keys, boxers, etc in the dark.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

STEVE: I'm not sure added illumination is going to make the WALK any less guilt-ridden!

FLINT: Yes you have to wonder why some people need to state the obvious ;-)

YANKEE: I think that rule applies under any circumstances!

ABE: Oi! What are you laughing at sunshine??? ;-)

LERMONTOV said...

V Funny!

Abe said...

Mostly at myself. With THAT headline, I was hoping for some Friday night titillation...

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

ABE: You should know by now...all work and no play around 'ere. Must change that trend.

LERM: Thank you my adorable cocktail friend...where have you been?

Abe said...

YEAHHHHH!

Steve said...

It doesn't make the walk less guilt-ridden, but it does make it easier to disguise it to observers. It's easier to hide the fact you've been "shacking up" if your shirt is on right-side-out, and you're wearing your knickers, as opposed to having them stuffed hastily into your pocket when you noticed them upon your egress.

YsambartCourtin said...

Small pockets are never in style for men. You always need pockets at least big enough to shove his and her underwear without showing.

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