Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

MARKET MISDEMEANOURS

Went to the markets last weekend (which shows you how completely bored shitless I was) and came home empty-handed. Amongst the half used tins of paints, cheap sunglasses and racks of XXXL faded T-shirts the only useful items to be found were a cup of coffee and loaf of bread. As you would all well know; Aussies don't go to these places because they actually need anything. If we really needed this kind of stuff we'd be in the aisle of Woolies that carries lace doilies and shells stuck on rocks. No, it's because an outdoor craft and second-hand goods market fufills Aussies' three great loves -food, sunshine and shopping. For those of you unaccustomed to such places I've taken it upon myself to become your personal consumer watchdog. Amateur Art: The prospect of buying an original piece is an exciting one. But how to choose? 'Will it match the decor in the lounge?' is one option, however the odds of finding a painting with a bourbon stain down the front and some stale corn chips and spare change down the back are fairly remote. You could try the old 'do the eyes follow me around the room?' method but this will not be very satisfying if it's a bowl of fruit. Being stalked by a feral cumquat is no-one's idea of a great work of art. It's best to stick with the old tried-and-true 'this stirs something in the depths of my soul which cannot be named' Which is why one often walks away empty-handed and feeling dizzy.
Caricatures and Portraits: It's important to remember that your portrait will never look anything like you. The expression will be slightly pained, eyes will be shifty and anxious. This is because while you are sitting for it the fifty-odd onlookers that have gathered will be whispering 'he'll never get that wonky nose right' and 'I wonder if he'll draw in those furrows between the eyebrows?' I guess one consolation is you now have a matching set with your drivers license.
Granny Goods: This includes gum leaf jewellery, padded lace tissue boxes, chipped tea cups and saucers, Xmas t-shirts with bells and ribbons sewn on, lavender sachets, padded coathangers and embroidered face washers. Nobody under sixty wants this shit. Nobody over sixty wants it either which is why they're trying to sell it. Don't torture your elderley loved ones with this crap. Most grannies prefer gifts of cash, spirits or white goods. I know mine would.
Fortune Tellers: It's best to be wary of the predictions made by cross-eyed weirdos called Natasha with a cheap sarong thrown over a trestle table. Just consider the practical difficulties of making contact with Grey Wolf, an American Indian spritual guide who rides a piebald mare, when there isn't a car parking space in a five kilometre radius. Besides, like carnival folk, they smell like cabbage.
Knick-Knacks: This includes spice racks and keyring holders. If you look hard enough I'm sure you'll find these things in your shed still sitting there since the day they were bought. Sometime back in 1992 along with the 'Hello Kitty' mobile phone cover and ceramic frog.

26 comments:

Girl Clumsy said...

I do love running around markets - but I rarely buy things anymore. Too much crap junking up the house.

Markets overseas however; so much more fun. Still lots of junk, sure, but it's FOREIGN junk. ;)

chazfh said...

Ahh the joys of having markets..don't go in for that sort of stuff much over here in Dullsville.

Mainly as it interfers with going to the pub and drinking a skinful before heading into Northbridge for a fight (and kebab) then driving home at around 120 kmh.

have you considered knitting? :))

Barnesm said...

Marvelous NatV, makes me want to go into the market. Not that I want to those places are not for the faint of heart.

drej08 said...

Broome has a couple of markets a week depending on the season, and you guessed it, its the same stalls at both run by the same people. And yeah, its mostly crap.
Chaz, Freos alright isn't it..? at least you can stop at Little Creatures brewery on the way out.

chazfh said...

Drej, freo markets going to be 'improved'. And thats a real shame as it was the closest we had to teh vic markets in melb or the paddo markets in Sydney

Dr Yobbo said...

This is why I stick to farmers markets and the like. Sure you end up with an arse like two badly parked VW Beetles after all that homecured bacon, artisan cheese, wild venison salami, gourmet pies etc etc etc, but at least you don't come home with a bootload of abject crap.

Domestic Daze said...

Ah, the markets. Not as bad as some would think, I have picked up some rather interesting pieces, most of them 9ct gold. All of them for under a dollar. Then there is the sixty year old Lodge Jewel, again 9ct gold. Not worth a lot but hand made in a way long forgotten. Oh, and the hundred year old hand made german silver miniature frame....ok, I'll shut up now.

YsambartCourtin said...

Storage. I buy almost nothing these days that isn't consumed. Why? I hate moving with such a passion, and anything I buy I'll just have to move one day.

Consumer slowdown? Of course. Can't afford real esate = nothing to buy. I spend my spare cash on travel, performances and food.

Anonymous said...

The best thing I ever found at a market (apart from the Prasanth curry powders that you could get at Eumundi) was a monopoly board that had been lacquered into a little coffee table. Found it at the Riverside Markets on a trip to Brisbane in the mid 90s. It was a cracker! Every visitor loved it.

Boss Lady is so enamoured with markets up there that the one thing she said she wanted to do on our visit next month is to go to the freakin' markets. So I am hoping you and Big U and any other takers will help me prop a bar up while she is spending her readies...

Abe

Moko said...

So true. Funny shit. You should try the Fernvale markets for shit. Top shelf shit there.

...and someone probably DOES sell cow shit, I'm sure.

Steve said...

Moko, if you've ever been to Oklahoma, you'd know the answer to that question.

And, I'm not talking about the kind rebranded as manure and used in gardens.

On my trip to Germany back in 1995, I hit the local weekly flea market in the city square (the same one adorned with a huge statue of the Brothers Grimm, as this was their original home town), and I bought a German beer steinkrug that commemorated some city anniversary or something. I thought it was something valuable, despite the chip in it, and it looked cool with the pewter lid. After paying 10 Deutschmarks and bringing it home to the US, I realized I was completely hosed.

I once went to a local flea market here in the Atlanta 'burbs, that was frequented by Mexican immigrants. I left there with the belief that there are three things Mexicans require the most....10 packs of white tube socks, 10 packs of white underwear, and fish tacos.

Flinthart said...

Oh, man -- you left out the goddam buskers, didn't you? Talentless, clueless, bathless hairy fockers banging away on beat-up, out-of-tune guitars doing tuneless but oh-so-sincere renditions of everything you ever heard from the jukebox down your local pub. Or earnest kids, sawing away at some instrument they're learning for school, sheet music clipped to the fold-up metal stand in front of 'em and a handful of change contributed by their parents dotting the instrument case on the ground at their feet...

...buskers.

There's never a fire ax around when you really need one, is there?

Bondiboy66 said...

Paddington mmarkets is good here - we got our monthly coffee supply there, I like a bacon and egg roll from the food providores, and there is a good deal of nice cottage industry stuff for purchase there like kid's clothes and the like. As for buskers, there are these two roosters who seem to be well ensconsed there now who play a huge selection of popular 60s and 70s tunes on ukeleles. And have a nice line in two part harmony too.

But eadch market has its own personality - some have good stuff, others have mountians of shite.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

Hey I'm sorry I've been remiss. Will explain later.

Chaz said...

Nat, the clocks ticking....

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

My girl has announced she's going to live with her father. I am devastated. And angry. And numb with pain.

Flinthart said...

Awww, crap. That sucks. Which really doesn't cover it - but what the hell possibly could?

Anonymous said...

Oh dear. I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Abe

Moko 2.0 said...

I'm sorry Nat.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

Thanks guys. I've been dreading this day since she was four when it was decided she would live week on week off in two different households. She's coming home Saturday. Her father enabled her to run off when she was unable to accept my rules but he's assured me she won't be able to play that card again. He appears to want her to get her home to me too. I miss her. So do the damned hermit crabs. Ahem.

Bondiboy66 said...

Oh bummer Nat. That is indeed sad...I can empathise, my first three boys live with their mum (more or less...long story) a long way away and I don't get to see them very often at all. Do speak to them on the phone though. I hate it when they leave after a visit - I put on a brave face for them, but once they are out of sight the tears flow freely...and I'm despondent for days.

Hard yakka mate.

Steve said...

Well Nat, if her dad finally has some sense, that's a good thing. Hopefully that works out and tomorrow she's home, at least until she finishes school, but let's not thing THAT far ahead shall we?

Bondi, one of my brothers has two daughters that live with their mom in Sweden (he's in Charlotte North Carolina, here on the east coast of the US). I have no idea how he handles it. He sees them once a year.

Anonymous said...

Tell me you didn't cook up a batch of Singapore Hermit Crab?

Abe

Bondiboy66 said...

Yeah Steve, I see my first three sons roughly once or twice a year at present. Tyranny of distance, time and money. Thank the Sky Moose for the phone and the InterWebz.

Anneal said...

Gum leaf jewelry? And..I'm sorry about the kid stuff. My 18 year old son is giving Me an ulser lately...I'm not ready to be a grandpa

Nautilus said...

That bites mate, very sad to hear it.

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