Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

AN APPETITE FOR GUILT

I realize all you foodies out there might find this abhorrent but my attitude towards food ranges somewhere between eating-to-survive and a grateful appreciation of a well-cooked meal. Whilst many of you take pride and pleasure in this daily ritual I'm just as happy eating a boiled egg on toast. I marvel at people with the ability to whip up gastronomic delights but I've never been one to make it a priority in my life. Now don't get me wrong. This piece is not a judgement on the merits of bland food nor a criticism of those with a more refined pallete. The thing that's really starting to bug me lately is people who are obsessed with food. Recently I dined with some acquaintances on the large side. One of the ladies ate an entree, main meal and dessert and constantly qualified every mouthful with 'I haven't eaten a thing all day'. Fair enough I thought. What bugged me though was that she kept making remarks about the fact I only wanted a main meal. She was really anxious about it. I wanted to tell her to quit worrying and just enjoy her meal but I didn't know her well enough. But do you know what's worse than dining with an overeater? Dining with a fussy under-eater! Imagine this dinner order from hell:

'Good evening ladies and gentlemen. My name is Manuel and I will be your waiter this evening. Are you ready to order?'

'Okay. I'll go first. I've got about four grams of fat to play with this evening so I'd like ninety grams of baked chicken breast with no skin and five steamed asparagus spears topped with skim milk yoghurt.'

'Certainly madam...and for you sir?'

'Well I'm into dynamic harmlessness expressed in daily life as veganism so I'll have some textured vegetable protein pattie, tofu gluten and seeds. By the way are these seats leather?'

'I'll ask the interior designer and get back to you sir. Now for you?'

'Have you forgotten about the French doing nuclear testing in the Pacific? I can't believe you have pate on the menu. I'm leaving! Oh could I get a anti-cellulite celery, parsely and dill cocktail, take-away?'

'And for you sir?'

'I'm watching my cholestrol, so do you have any low-density lipoproteins and soluble fibre on the menu tonight?'

'I'll just have to check with chef.'

'Never mind. I'll just have a bowl of oat bran to start and a couple of steamed egg whites for mains.'


'Steamed egg whites...wonderful choice. How are we going here?'

'Well I've just found this amazing naturopath and realised after all these years that I am actually highly allergic to most foods. I have intolerances to dairy, starch, sugar and fermented foods and we're testing fruit and veges next week so I'll just have a plain rare steak.'

'Fabulous. And for you madam?'

'I've been doing some incredible repressed memory sydrome work with my therapist and she says that a lot of my problems with my mother stem from abuse at the dinner table when I was a child. So I'll have a plain cheese sandwich with a smiley face on it made out of cherry tomatoes, two fish fingers on a Bunnykins plate and a glass of red cordial. Hold the brussel sprouts.'

'Well I expect your plate cleaned or no dessert for you. And have you decided yet madam?'

'I'll just have dessert...but could you check with chef whether the apples in the pie are organic? If they've been sprayed with unsymmetrical dimethylhydrazine or fungicides then he might like to cook it with these apples I've bought in from home...'

'How thoughtful of you...and finally what would you like sir?'

'I'm currently under treatment for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome so I'd like an uncarpeted room painted with non-oilbased paints, a table which is not manufactured with formaldehyde particle board and no oil heating. Thanks. Oh and could you wash off your aftershave?'

'Consider it done.'

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

11 comments:

Dr Yobbo said...

FERALLSSS.... CAP EM ALL.

Anyone keen for a Maccas run?

Nautilus said...

Lol! Used to be only women ordering like that, now the men get into it as well.

Bugger it, I just run LOTS so I can eat like a pig. I can also enjoy KFC as much as fine dining.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

YOB: Oh my GAWD...HAVOCK-isms have infiltrated everyone. Run while you can FCKR.

NAUT: I walk everyday and slobber down all the steak, veges and bourbon I can fit in!

chazfh said...

Good one Nat, made me laugh.

Steak au frites for me with some english mustard on the side (none of this pepper sauce nonsence) and a nice glass of cab sauv please.

Bondiboy66 said...

I hear ya - these fucken foodies piss me off no end. Now we have to be wary as my littlest bloke is allergic to sesame and dairy (astounding how much food contains these things, so eating out can be a bit of a challenge. But hey, I'm happy as a clam with steak and salad or something equally simple. And I'll happily skip eating altogether (probably why I'm a skinny bugger). But I can appreciate a spiffy feed at times too (had a great bit of kangaroo with umm....other stuff recently at a nice pub in Newtown). But for the most part food is fuel. It has to taste nice sure, but this obsession with fancy pants Iron Chef style cooking gets bloody annoying.

And the idea of paying $100 for a sliver of wagyu beef, a smear of truffle butter over foie gras and a sprig of rocket drizzled with Panda Bollacks Jus is just tripe. I'll have the $15 steak and veg thanks.

Abe said...

Personally I think she should be blogging at Mother Foccacia.

Steve said...

Mmmmmm, Paaaaanda Bollacks. Ghhhhhslobber.

Reading this really makes me appreciate the Chick-Fil-A chicken biscuit and the fried hash browns on the side that I ate this morning.

Australians, trust me on this....lobby to get Chick-Fil-A down there. You'll LOVE it.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

I guess what I was really trying to say was I wished everyone would stop worrying about what they eat and what others eat...it saps all the enjoyment out of the experience. I don't care if you eat half a cow...just don't have one when I don't!

ABE: Errrr somehow methinks ham, cheese and tomato toasted sangers won't make the cut ;-) But I do enjoy reading the entries and imaging one day I might have the patience for it.

STEVE: KFC is my only vice...so a Chick-Fil-A could be my undoing. LOVE Subway but.

BONDI: I'm all for people making the most of cooking if that's what rocks their boat...I just despise food snobbery when it's inflicted on me. I once had a man cook me some superb meals...the kind of which I'd never eaten and it was a major turn-on. So I guess I'm majorly conflicted in this area. Panda Bollocks...LOL!

CHAZ: MmmmmmmmMUSTARD!

Barnesm said...

Damn,

now I'm hungry

yankeedog said...

The bad thing about Chick-Fil-A is that they close on Sundays-the day when a lot of people are out.

A bit like having nutrition information at a fast-food place. No one cares. You're there for a grease infusion. If you have a condition or are trying to watch your weight, the average fast-food place is probably out-of-bounds for you, though there is some small entertainment value in watching someone go into a MickDs and order fries without salt (at least as long as I'm not in line behind them).

That said, I do like Subway because one can get a decently balanced nosh there.

Bangar said...

These people can't get the idea that eating out is a treat and should be enjoyed?
PS sounds like some one protests to much.

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