Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Friday, August 7, 2009

PRECIPITATING MEN

Not only does there seem to be such a shortage of men in the Australian mining sector but there appears to exist a shortage of womenfolk in country areas as well. Trends indicate however, that city women are slowly migrating to the outback. About a year ago when I was still working at the wireless, my radio presenter interviewed a lady from an agricultural college in regards to the large amount of city girls presently enrolling to become jillaroos. That’s what we like to call cowgirls down here in Australia. Of course she went on to make a connection with the television program McLeod’s Daughters but she also mentioned a ‘sheila shortage’ in the Australian outback and a ‘man drought’ in the cities. I suppose if the amount of seemingly normal women prepared to debase themselves on the national television program Farmer Wants A Wife is any indication, then I guess there is. Rather than build a massive pipeline to carry men from the country to the city or construct a huge plant to convert seawater to men, or even install tanks to collect men that fall from the sky I suppose we’ve no choice but to herd up all the reasonably attractive women desperately searching for a husband and ship them off to the Australian outback. We have to do something to stop our country from falling to pieces! Do you really want to see your taxes wasted on a future generation of loveless, bitter spinsters who thought they were too bloody good for Mt Isa? No. I didn’t think so. Now I’m certain some of you would say a man drought is no great catastrophe; that a woman can get along perfectly well without a man, that her value isn’t dependent on how good in bed she is or whether she makes a decent cuppa or not. Yeah well show me a woman who doesn't want a man and I'll show you naked glossy of Germaine Greer. And I don't think any of us would want that. As any good Catholic girl knows, men and women were made for each other, and there’s a very good chance that this man drought is angering God, and I think we've made God angry enough now don’t you? What with divorcees and pornography and Kyle Sandilands and everything. The marriage rate is now the lowest on record. Do we really want a nation of lovesick geographically challenged singles? Think about it. There are many reasons why marriage remains the foundation for our modern society. It has been proven by scientists that when the state of lust wears off in about six months, humans need powerful deterrents to stop them following home entire softball teams or running away with Man Power. Let’s face it. If there were no husbands, women would have to nag house plants. If there were no wives, men would have absolutely no excuse for ever leaving the pub. Without marriage the entire fabric of Australian society would break down. So come on girls! Do it for your country. Marry a farmer today! Besides...enduring a life of hard labour is a small price to pay for having someone to blame for ruining the rest of your life. Ahem.

13 comments:

Moko 2.0 said...

Gotta laugh. My 'sister in law' (not married, but easiest way to describe her) is about to marry a farmer. The reality of the situation isn't some romantic sunset over looking the crops with ducks in the dam and fluffy bunnies frolicking in the pastures and roos bounding through on their way to some romantic notion of of what they do for survival.

It's 1080, 12 gauges, and arse busting hard work with barely a moment together due to the business partnership you sign when you get hitched. You're not a wife, you're a female partner in the land, and chief cook, and it BETTER be on the fucken table when he gets home and 8pm. It's tragedy, heartbreak, kids off to private boarding school at the age of 13, and praying for rain.

Fuck that.

Domestic Daze said...

Being married to a born and bred county boy and I can say with all honesty, go for it girls!!!!
City guys, you are fine too. I am NOT putting you guys down. But for this little red bunny, I am delirously, happily married to a county guy. While we are close to a city now, that is going to be changing, hopefully soon.

chazfh said...

I blame Mcloeds Daughters myself...

YsambartCourtin said...

The women who get 'country -itis' are a strange bunch. I personally love them. I have no real idea why, but if a girl likes me, she is usually a 'horsey girl'. Dressage, Western, whatever - but most of my exes are horse lovers. I'm sure there is something in that. I think it is my size & broad hips :)

Dr Yobbo said...

So rural Australian men are only good enough to get the skanky desperate leftovers from the city, are we? It's this sort of attitude that led me to outsource to NZ for my requirements. Man drought over here too, so they're even less picky.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

YOB: So rural Australian men are only good enough to get the skanky desperate leftovers from the city, are we?...can't imagine all the purdy ones are going to trade in their labels and getting paid squillions to strut up and down catwalks for that kinda life. But I'm frequently wrong.

BART: And your penchant for boots ;-)

CHAZ: Talk about false advertising uh?

DD: I find they're good with their hands ;-)

MOKO: Ahhh...the voice of experience and reason...grim stuff.

chazfh said...

Nat,

absolutely, I have yet to meet a country girl with the looks and figure of Simone McKinnon or Zoe Nayler

Dr Y, look if that the only way to score mate is to move to a man drought zone you need to imrpove yourself!

Dr Yobbo said...

To be fair she moved to Brisbane in order to trade up from Kiwi rubbish. As for Zoe Naylor - there's some low budget film out there where she's doing a bunch of stuff which you might not expect one of McLeod's Daughters, Cousins or Other Arbitrary Ring-Ins to get up to on camera - but you didn't hear it from me.

Abe said...

Hehe very droll.

Steve said...

Yobbo, if all Kiwi women are like Gine Bellman, I wouldn't blame you one bit for outsourcing.

idoru said...

Steve, Kiwi women are pains. Never me a good one yet ...

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

You'd get plenty of six but.

idoru said...

that should have been "met" not "me". would rather have 7, cause 7 8 9.

Seem to still be channeling Basil Brush as far as jokes go today ...

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