Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Monday, August 24, 2009

THE NAG THAT CAME IN LAST

Right. It’s official. I’ve become a cranky old misanthrope. Went to the Doomben races last Saturday afternoon and whilst I thoroughly enjoyed the company and watching the horses race by, I found myself distracted by the hordes of slobbering twenty year old attention seekers. Sunlight and champagne certainly are a lethal combination. It doesn’t matter how beautifully you’re dressed: loud, potty-mouthed drunken women look really bad. There I’ve said it. I don’t really want to go down on the sisters but when you get to my vintage you start seeing things differently. Have some class girls. Do it under your breath like I do. Ahem. It never ceases to amaze me how horny young guys will pretend to be blissfully fascinated with anything pretty women say no matter how boring as batshit it is. Here’s a question. How many times can one pout into their camera phone? Infinitessimally it seems. Further observations also confirmed that women walking on grass in high heels adopt the gait of poorly operated marionettes. Hilarious to watch. Get a few vodka coolers into them and they look even more ridiculous. Also it seems the bigger a woman is the more flesh she wants to put out there. It’s your duty to conceal girls! Sky high heels in blue sequins will not redeem an arse that wobbles endlessly under cheap black material. In between races a painfully earnest duet regaled us with Pete Murray covers and Aussie rock standards performed in the same maddening strumming pattern for the entire afternoon. It didn’t seem to bother two drunken idiots who decided to drop their strides and do the helicopter in front of everyone. One of them needn’t have bothered his tackle was that underwhelming. As he strode past I deliberately made a snide remark to the people at my table to which he boldly replied ‘oh come on love you know you want it!’ I named him Salty Jack the One-Eyed Sailor for the rest of the afternoon. Good times. It was a sponsored event on the St Ledger Lawn in order to raise funds for Operation Smile. Carlton Mid-Strength provided the beer (much to everyone’s dismay…particularly as there was XXXX Gold signage as far as the eye could see) and by the afternoon we’d all had a gutful. Some twit of a girl heard us bemoaning the beer situation and informed us imperiously that ‘all beer was the same’…err fuck off idiot. I was the winner of a silent auction and managed to score a free massage, facial, cookbook, Mary Ryan’s voucher and cosmetics which was nice seeing as I won diddly-squat on the track. Just missed out on a quinella…the photo-finish was sadly not in my favour. I taped a couple of the races with my new JVC camcorder. (Yeah!) As you can see in the following footage, my technique could do with some work. Not to mention my potty-mouth. Sorry Mum!
video

13 comments:

yankeedog said...

Well, part of the problem is that your horses run the wrong way.

I've never had the privilege of actually seeing the Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downs in Louisville, but I believe there's a lot of the same types there. You have big hats and fancy dress (class A's, not costumes) mixing with people who just came down out'n yonder hill cuntree and look like they should be at a NASCAR race.

Crap! Wish you'd have won that quinella! Better luck next time. I bet on a horse at a harness race back in 1990. Still waiting for him to come in!

Girl Clumsy said...

God, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT THOSE GIRLS.

Girls at the Races. It's just... they're just... a special breed (which is ironic when you think about it).

The thing is, I swear like a trooper. I really do love letting fly with the potty mouth. But there's something about DRUNK CHICKS swearing. Drunk Australian chicks tend to slip really easily into bogan, even if they're not really. And so it's the DRUNK BOGAN HIGH-PITCHED UPWARDS INFLECTION that is what gets me.

And yes, I wish I could run a workshop for girls on the "less is more" principal. I'm not as lovely and slim as you Nat, I'm a size 14. But I know that I can still look half-decent by very carefully choosing what goes where flesh-wise.

I mean, I guess I admire their self-confidence.

Flinthart said...

Oh, Cthulhu. I fk'n HATE the pout-at-the-phone thing. Who decreed that it's somehow sexy to pucker your lips like the southern end of a northbound cat, cross your eyes, and simper like a ninety-year-old nun with an invite to the Pope's Bar Mitzvah?

You're so much more restrained than me...

chazfh said...

FH: you'll find most people are.....

Nat; very dissapointed that there wasn't a 'aww shit!" right at the end of the race over the mike!

Moko said...

I believe drunk chicks, them getting a win on the GG's, and little skirts makes for some serious poontang potential...or so I've heard.

Domestic Daze said...

I noticed anywhere alcohol and young women meet it always ends in a rather sad floorshow. I'm with you on the whole wanting to tell them to grow up.

Lou said...

Yankeedog it is just an American thing that all tracks run counter clockwise. In much of the rest of the world it depends on the track - some run clockwise others counterclockwise.

Looks like a good day Nat despite the outcome on the Q and the substandard beer.

Steve said...

All....beer....same?

Must...crush...heads.

A blogger for some financial magazine, writing about an upcoming release for boxed beer (think box o' wine, but with beer) that said, "despite what microbrews tell you, all beer is pretty much the same. Consumers who pay more do so more for the experience than the taste." Within a day, he received dozens of comments on his blog about how much of a douchebag he was for saying that.

The Rhino said...

Nat wrote: "I don't really want to go down on the sisters..."

Sure, that's how you feel right not but if you get a few more beers in you and change your mind can I watch?

Cute vid - I like the little sniff after the swear. That was one of those extemely cute things that I like about you.

R.

idoru said...

bugger! Seem the blog here has the 1st run posts and shiny extras like videos, whereas the KCL one is repeats :(

Like normal telly vs pay-per-view :( And like that we can download & find your writings on the net! :P

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

SORRY GUYS! Would love to reply individually but I have a complete and utter power failure happening on my main PC. I'm in crazed panic mode. Transmission will resume when it's fixed!

Steve said...

Finally got to see the video. I have to say, I was expecting a much more bogan reaction from the crowd as the horses rounded the corner. Were you sitting in the civilized section?

Going clockwise the way they did didn't phase me, I watch more Formula 1 racing than NASCAR, so right turns don't confuse me.

Dr Yobbo said...

You're all mad. Drunk sweary chicks falling out of dental-floss racecourse frocks are the greatest invention since inventions got invented.

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