Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

MID-COITUS FLEEING


‘I think I’d know Nora's fart anywhere. I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women.’ The Selected Letters of James Joyce I heard my Mum break wind for the first time when I was ten. I think I was so shocked because before that, I’d never heard her cut one loose. Dad never seemed to have problem with it. In fact, you could tell the time by my Dad. So why was I so shocked when Mum let one slip and why did she looked so embarrassed when Dad always looked secretly proud? To add further to my confusion, I had just spent the weekend fishing with Dad and his mates and was introduced to the charm of the ‘unacknowledged fart’ as the men partook in beer drinking and the ancient ritual of fire gazing at the end of the day. Not even a wet one was capable of raising an eyebrow. Ahem. I’m now convinced that this is one of the most delightful double standards that both men and women buy into. I was reading this advice column in which a man was complaining that his wife no longer aroused him because she loudly farted. ‘She never farted when we were dating, why start now?’ the husband bemoaned. To further complicate matters, the wife was known to flee mid-coitus if hubby accidentally squeezed one out during the throes of passion. All those years of holding it in must have really poisoned her brain. Now I know people have very different levels of tolerance for such things (let's just say the commercial market for emissions offsets is not mature enough to handle the output from this household) but surely it’s ridiculous to expect that couples living together have a requirement that their ability to get aroused means each has to run from the room whenever the pressure starts to build. I’m starting to wonder if couples who date forever, then finally get married, only did so because they couldn't hold the gas in any longer. Now despite all appearances, I’m not promoting the merits of rampant emissions in public, but surely married couples can laugh about such things!

15 comments:

YsambartCourtin said...

Ahh, "The Slackening". The period after initial attraction and joining wherein one or both parties get slacker and slacker about maintaining perfect behaviour and mystery. Some people NEVER slide - & some people never attempt the initial good behaviour. Some women have a slackening plan based on twenty minutes after they eat the wedding cake. Some men keep up appearences until after first shag. 'What slackening lurks in the heart of this partner?' is one of the concerns of an experienced campaigner. 'When will I slip?' thinks the practiced deceiver.

Moko said...

Nothing consistently funnier.

Dr Yobbo said...

Starts early too. Our 2 1/2 yr old knows farts are funny. Even fake farting sounds are funny. Must be part of basal core programming.

chazfh said...

In this day and age I feel we should be ashamed of our methane emissions.

Steve said...

My dad used to get me and my 3 brothers to smile for family photos by saying, "farts are funny!" It worked 100% of the time, and sometimes required a re-take of the photo if one of us snorted out a booger or something.

And as far as mid-coitus fleeing, I can't imagine anything dampening my arousal, save maybe a knife or broken whisky bottle being held to my throat, but that's only a guess since I've never felt either.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

BART: I'm gonna nick that expression 'The Slackening'...love it.

MOKO: I have to do my best not to cack when my daughter lets one loose. Now if I could only get her to excuse herself!

YOBBO: Toilet humour never gets old.

CHAZ: Bollocks I say young man! You've let those infernal Greenies poison your mind...betcha don't feel the same about nocturnal ones...

STEVE: Farts are only funny if they don't smell! I've been stuck on enough road trips with a brother that loved cabbage...

Domestic Daze said...

This is one of the best bits of a good marriage. You are all sunggled up in bed, all loving and stuff. Then someone yells, "Incoming!" and proceeds to hysterical laughter when the spouse nose dives the pillow as if their lives depended on it.

chazfh said...

Nat, of course they keep the bed warm!!

Bondiboy66 said...

Ah that would be the 'Dutch Oven' method Chaz? Wifey warns me off at times due to toxicity on her part...or threatens to pull the covers over my head for whatever slight real or imagined.

My four year old son could Fart for Australia, honestly I don't know where the hell he keeps them. At lest we havetaught him to say 'pardon me'.

yankeedog said...

"To further complicate matters, the wife was known to flee mid-coitus if hubby accidentally squeezed one out during the throes of passion."

One also suspects the wife may not have been, how to say this delicately-fully into the coital act at the time.

I think both sides might as well let fly early on-gas is no different from sweating-it's a bodily function. All of us do it.

Perhaps instead of that little blue Viagra pill, some Beano or Gas-X instead...

Steve said...

Bondi, I'm sensing a new Olympic sport. Would the Aussies be the Fartaroos?

Abe said...

Bart is soooo right. For most men, The Slackening starts just after the afterglow from the first shag starts to abate.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

ABE: I once held them in for over a year! Boy did that hurt.

STEVE: Fataroonies maybe?

YANKEE: Perhaps she was looking for an excuse...crazy woman.

BONDI: I still can't get my sixteen year old to do that!

CHAZ: Oh brother......!

DD: Sounds like BLISS.

Dr Yobbo said...

The Qantas Fartarses, Steve. The phrase 'stop fartarsing around' would be very unlikely to be used around competition venues.

yankeedog said...

Doc, I'm not sure QANTAS would sponsor such a squad. Don't you folks have an anti-gas pill or potion?

If it were here, it would be the 'Gas-X Fartarses' and they'd perform at 'Beano Auditorium' or 'Tums Arena'.

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