Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Monday, July 27, 2009

SHITTING MELONS SIDEWAYS

It was the 22nd of July in 1993 when I experienced the most excruciating lower back pain. I looked like some errant spider: all abdomen and legs. My mother assured me it was the first signs of labour. Sure enough at midnight, I experienced my first contraction: a sensation not to dissimilar to having your insides ripped out with a red hot poker. I woke my husband to inform him of the necessity to leg it to the hospital. He grunted something like ‘can’t it wait?’ to which I responded viciously with my very best Linda Blair impersonation ‘no it bloody well can’t!’ and the next thing you know I was whisked away and promptly ensconced in a birthing suite at the Mater Mother’s. It was 3am. Nothing ever prepares a first time mother for when her waters break. A flood of amniotic fluid literally douses all within a five metre radius. I rejected the idea of an epidural and instead opted for pethidine and nitrous. Bad move. The pain was so severe I clung to that nitrous mask with all my might and sucked enough of it to warrant blacking out. Apparently I delivered several deft side-piercing kicks to the midwife who was not at all impressed with me when I came to. Like most mothers I’ve spoken to I remember bellowing several times ‘would you get this damned thing out of me!!!’ That ‘damned thing’ was my girl Samantha Jade who turned sixteen last Thursday. I held a party for her last weekend and it was so good to see my surly girl finally come out of her shell, acting gracious and enjoying herself. She invited a few girlfriends and also present were a family who are friendly with my housemate and happen to have three teenaged children. They had a rogue game of croquet on the lawn, watched scary movies, stalked each other in the dark and tossed all matter of flammable materials into the open fire. So much better than watching your kid’s arm permanently attached to a phone keypad and game console. The evening ended with lap-dancing. Yup. You read that right. Daniel (sixteen, sober and sinewy) stripped down to his singlet (in front of his cacking parents!) and proceeded to give me (shriveled up forty year old!) and my daughter a bit of a harmless touch-up. To think I had to wait forty years for that and Sammy’s lap is defiled at sixteen. So not fair!

12 comments:

Dr Yobbo said...

You'd better hope that's all the defiling that went on.

Epidurals are all win. They're almost always a good idea. In labour? Having back pain? Riding the Tour de France? Sounds like worlds best practice to me.

Having just been through the thermonuclear grimness of labour for the second time - not as long as the first, but somehow even more early-Peter-Jackson-film horrendous - hope DMDY and I make it the next 16 yrs (well at least 13.5 for the first one) in such good humour. Though without the lapdances from pasty sixteen year old boys.

bangarrr said...

Happy belated birthday to the lass.

I haven't been at a birth (and I'm planning on that being a lifetime commitment), I'll take Jeff Foxworthy's comment "It looks like a St Bernard coming in through the cat door" as enough of a visual to keep that score at zero.

Moko said...

lol Sixteen years ticks over like a clock.

Lou said...

Happy 16th to Samantha. I did the first baby thing a couple of weeks before you so I have new 16 year old as well.

Bondiboy66 said...

Shrivelled up 40 year old? Give me a fucken break - you look great woman! Better than tons of folks half your age. (Actually Wifey and I have been known to make that comparison viz ourselves v slovenly 20 something slobs, and we are 40-somethings!). Crikey, I'll bet Mr. 16 Y.O. was having some 'impure' thoughts mid-lapdance!

I've been through four births now, and didn't feel a thing! The pain came later....

And happy birthday Samantha!

yankeedog said...

I've always marveled at the concept of pushing a fairly large object (a human baby) through what is, to be honest, a rather small exit.

"And on the sixth day, God created man..."

That explains everything. Who does their best work during Saturday overtime?

That one pic of Samantha with her guitar reminds me of her mum!

And, with all respect, you are hardly 'shriveled'! Stop yourself!!

Feliz cumpleanos, Sam! Well done, Natalie!!

Barnesm said...

Wow, congratulations.

During you description above it reminds me during my_reason_for_livings labor I remember turning to her a similar point to the one you described as "a sensation not to dissimilar to having your insides ripped out with a red hot poker" I mistakenly blurted out

"Come on it can't hurt THAT much?"

Apparently it can.

Steve said...

Happy birthday, Sammy!

I'm sure I'll be at a similar party myself in about 5-1/2 years. For that event, I will buy a taser, in the event a 16 year old boy decides to get a bit fresh. Yes, it'll make my daughter unpopular with the boys, but that's a chance I'm willing to take.

Wait, JUST a singlet, or was he wearing other clothes?

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

STEVE: Oh yes he had shorts on...you don't think I'd be quite so casual about if not? hehehe

BARNESM: Yes indeedy. It gives me the willies when I see TV births and the mother is full made-up and ever so serene...

YANKEE: "And on the sixth day, God created man..." That explains everything. Who does their best work during Saturday overtime?...HA!

BONDI: Yeah I hope he wasn't...oh man I feel like a dirty old woman now!!!!

LOU: Congratulations! Feels like yesterday...no?

MOKO: It's scary how time goes faster the older you get.

BANG: That Foxworthy quote is a ripper!

DR YOBBO: Good humour...yes it's a coping mechanism for all the tedious and infuriating times that you get in equal doses!

chazfh said...

Nat it all just helps reinforce your MILF status!!

Also you're still a young slip of a girl in my eyes.

Steve said...

One correction to Bang, it's a WET St. Bernard.... which is a MUCH more accurate visual.

And as for being casual, I don't know, for all I know you have very different customs down there. We are often shocked by very different things, just based on wildlife alone.

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

CHAZ: Bah! :-)))

STEVE: Eeeeewww. A wet one!

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