Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Friday, August 12, 2016

THE MUSICAL BANSHEE

Edvard Munch The ScreamIf there is one thing of which I am certain, a set of tubular bells does not belong within cooey of any studio where a song is being produced unless it’s the theme to a movie about demonic possession. They’re the banshee of musical instruments. No percussion device portends death more than a set of tubular bells; or so I thought until today. Evil has a new face my friends. Available for purchase here are lullaby renditions of Metallica, Nirvana, The Cure, Nine Inch Nails and the like. Seriously. Some of the most depressing rock songs ever have been arranged for music box chimes to put children to sleep. Now chemistry students will tell you that acid and alkali neutralise each other. Well I’ve got news for them. These arrangements are so diabolically depressing that I can guarantee anyone that plays them to their newborns will be seeking compensation from the damage inflicted in about 20 years time. My sad parental predictions are:

Metallica: As a baby the infant Timmy develops a cry so strained you’d think he was dead-lifting a Clydesdale. By two years of age Timmy has painted his very first portrait, a triumph, disturbingly similar to Edvard Munch’s The Scream, but rendered in poo.

The Cure: As a angst-ridden teenager, Timmy decides it’s a really good idea to dress like Nosferatu and sneak into local farms to suck the blood out of cattle. Shortly after he progress onto sleeping in coffins surrounded by empty absinthe bottles and the drained corpses of pale young virgins. Poor Timmy ends up in prison after bludgeoning his girlfriend to death with a bloody big Anne Rice novel.

Nine Inch Nails: After ten years in the slammer, the hardened Timmy embarks on a music producing career and decides that Trent Reznor and Marilyn Manson singing a duet of ‘Danny Boy’ whilst jamming syringes into each other’s eyes is gonna be the next big thing. Bless.

Nirvana: Lithium is the drug de jour and Catatonia the 35th state.

11 comments:

Steve said...

I knew when I discovered the existence of this music, I had to get the link in your hands so that you could write something brilliant like this. Nice to see this one is still around.

yankeedog said...

Is this post a rerun (excuse me-encore presentation)?

I pulled up the lullaby of AC/DC's 'You Shook Me All Night Long'. Good stuff! If it just had Brian Johnson singing lullabies in a low, quiet, raspy voice, it'd be perfect.

"Hush little baby, don't you cry-y-y...YAAA!"

Barnesm said...

You haven't know the cold dread icy hand of creepiness until you've heard a small child lisp in their sing song voices "on a wave of mutilation....

Steve said...

What I thought was interesting was that one of them was Metallica's "Fade to Black." A song about suicide.

I think the Metallica lullabyes are clearly designed for people like that family in Sweden that went to court for the right to name their child "Metallica."

Dr Yobbo said...

Wasn't Enter Sandman a lullaby anyway?

Steve said...

Yes, a very aggressive one.

Flinthart said...

Hmm. One small point: why'd you specify a 'bloody big Anne Rice novel'? I'm fairly sure they only come in that size...

Dr Yobbo said...

Have been known to hum riffs to Frenzal Rhomb songs as lullabies for Monsters I and II. Tend to leave the words out, for reasons reasonably obvious.

isadelovely said...

aaaah love this!
I just spent about an hour or more here trying to find a blog that was worth any of my attention (though i wouldn't say mine is worth anyone else' attention either), and i guess i found it. I really enjoyed this post thanks =]

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

The theme of this blog has been somewhat random recently Isa but you'll find the categories in the left-hand column. Anything filed under I HATE THE MUSIC you might like.

Domestic Daze said...

Could that be something like having personal versions of favourites sung to you such as:-
Go to sleep my baby, shut your bloody eyes.
and
Twinkle, twinkle little bat, how I wonder where your at?

Might explain a bit.

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