Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

PEST PICNIC

My housemate and I have just planted some vegies. Everything seems to have taken well particularly the snap peas which are thriving under upturned drink bottles. So far they haven’t succumbed to any pests but I’m not looking forward to the summer planting if my efforts from years gone by are anything to go by. Years back I went through a stage of shunning pesticides but it’s one thing to garden organically and quite another to be running what amounts to be a Sizzlers for bugs. It takes more ingenuity to hunt down and kill a cabbage white butterfly than it does to fell a rhinoceros. The following is a list of my attempts to become a tiny game-hunter. Grasshoppers: lay pieces of yellow plastic in the garden, make a small depression and pour beer into it. The grasshoppers will be attracted by the smell and drink the beer giving time for birds to catch them…I tried this one to no avail. I decided that waiting for them to die of cirrhosis of the liver would be quicker. I put out some beer nuts and employed a praying mantis to play ‘Piano Man’ which only resulted in them partying all bloody night and crashing on the lettuces. I can only presume that my magpies were teetotallers. Moths and Beetles: mix stale beer, brown sugar and crushed bananas to a thick paste and smear it on tree trunks…again a failure. A possum licked it off and attempted to hump the garden gnome. Aphids: in the morning when the bugs are too cold and lethargic to move quickly, try vacuuming them…it took me three hours to hunt down enough extension cord and then I spent the rest of the afternoon attempting to prise a beetroot out of the crevice tool. So as you can see my previous attempts to control pests have been futile. I can honestly say that carrot was one of the best meals I’ve ever had. Wish me luck. I may very well learn how to live with them.

14 comments:

Dr Yobbo said...

What we have learned: 'organic' approaches to pest control involving wasting something much more precious than the sanctity of the environment - BEER.

Bondiboy66 said...

I tried 'complimentary planitng' when I grew some tomatoes on the balcony in summer. Apparently planting marigolds with the tomatoes keeps pests away. Well that was a load of bollocks - the bloody marigolds looked nice and didn't even slow down the pests. We did get some tomatoes though.

Other than that, anything else I have grown out there so far has been ravaged by pests in a miniture version of the Western Front of WW2.

Punch said...

Loved your writing style. How much did you have to pay the Praying Mantis?

Anonymous said...

Sweet. Home grown vegies are great. Except corn. Reckon I spent $20 on water for a single corn of cob when I tried to show my kids how to grow it a few years ago. Mind you, you probably have enough rain up there.

Hey if you've unpacked the fretless bass I thought of a song challenge for you. Just rediscovered the Models...Barbados has a great bassline.

Go on. You know you want to.

Abe

yankeedog said...

I dunno about some of those pest control methods. I think someone came up with those methods just to give gardeners something to do while the pests ate up all of their plants.

Now here we like to have garden plants get to a nice size in time for a wandering deer or rabbit come along and eat the plant down to the roots.

My brother's got a small garden with a neighbor. They put in raspberries a couple of years ago, which took off tremendously. Wanna trade a crate of raspberries for anything?

Dropbear said...

Vaccuuming Aphids?? wow :)

sounds extreme...


XXX
Dropbear..

Erronius Nomenclature said...

You could just learn which of the bugs are edible and consider them your actual agricultural triumph. Possibly that is how we got sheep and cows and such as "domestic' animals in the first place...

bangarrr said...

Not sure what I can add here as I've always been green concrete and paint the trees on the fences kind of guy. The shed has caused a few vegatation casulaties.

Steve said...

I tried the beer trick on slugs. It failed miserably, I actually had to scoop up the slugs and move them into the beer, and at that point I realized it wasn't worth it. Sprinkling salt on them is much more satisfying, albeit slightly sociopathic.

Nautilus said...

I have a perfect relationship with my garden. I ignore it and it ignores me.

chazfh said...

I personally believe that vegie pests are actually designed by DuPont so that they can sell more pestcides...

NATALIA THE RUSSIAN SPY said...

YOBBO: Oh the beer is always inferior bollocks that has been gifted to me...Pure Blonde...Crown Lager...etc etc. I would never waste my precious Cooper's or Hefeweizen on the buggers.

BONDI: Ah yes the ol' complimentary planting business. Must try that again.

PUNCH: I cut a deal with him...one drink per hour and the fee was gratis!

ABE: Ha! Yeah dems is firsty dems corn-cobs...as for the bass...I AM missing it dearly. Will be cracking it out again soon.

YANKEE: Sure! A tray of rasperries for a sad looking egg-plant?...Yankee?...are you still there????

DROPBEAR: Extreme gardening! Now there's a concept for a lifestyle show!

ERRONIUS: Some of them might make a crunchy addition to one of my stir-frys.

BANG: Sounds like a lot less hassle to me.

STEVE: Oooooo...beer on slugs...hope it was the crap stuff.

NAUT: Head in the sand kinda stuff eh? Noice.

CHAZ: You could be onto something.

Flinthart said...

You should have seen the plague of locusts we had this year... I'm getting better, though. This year, I defeated the wallabies, the rabbits, the parrots, the starlings, the field mice, the snails, and the caterpillars. All I have to do is figure out what to do with a biblical infestation of goddam grasshoppers, and we'll be good.

Steve said...

Natalie, I never forget a beer. It was Old Milwaukee. That may mean nothing to you, but any Yanks reading this got the full body shudder. Or, are laughing that not even slugs would drink it.

Post a Comment

Tell me something I don't already know :D