Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

MATRIMONIAL STATE

After two failed marriages, I have come to the conclusion that the odds are better for finding intelligent life on Mars than expecting a marriage to survive (although the chances of finding intelligent life on Earth still remains remote) I have realized now that the lack of prenuptial education may be to blame. So that young couples may benefit from my experience and in the interests of civic duty, I present dear reader, a sensitively constructed prenuptial quiz.

For Men:

‘Do I look fat in this dress?’
a) I can’t see. Is that an eclipse?
b) Well, not compared with how enormous your arse looks in jeans.
c) You know I love to see a woman with curves.

‘What are you thinking?’
a) Whether my passport is valid for the Seychelles.
b) If I was locked in a room with Sandra Sully and a jar of honey.
c) Whether it’s impossible to love you any more than I do now.

‘Do you think I should get a breast enlargement?
a) Not before you invest in rhinoplasty, no.
b) Now you’ve gone an ruined your birthday surprise!
c) Sweets…how can you improve upon perfection?

‘Would you still love me if we couldn’t have sex?’
a) No. I’d be across the road slinging stones at you.
b) Sure, like I’d enjoy footy if there was no ball.
c) It’s you I love pet. Not your body.

For Women:

‘Do you mind if my mate Baz comes over to watch the footy?’

a) Why don’t we wait until he evolves into a recognizable life form?
b) Only if the lesbian next door can take me to that K.D.Lang show.
c) You know your friends are always welcome in our home dear.

‘Do you think I’m losing my hair?’
a) Well, it’s either that or a yeti has been using your comb.
b) Of course not. Do you think my breasts are beginning to sag?
c) I haven’t noticed. I’ve been looking at your cute arse.

‘Am I the best lover you’ve ever had?’
a) Is that before or after we got married?
b) Sorry? I just nodded off there for a minute.
c) I can’t remember any man before I met you.

If you answered mostly a) or b) then marriage is not for you. By the way, your house plants have asked for a trial separation. If you answered mostly c) then by all means go forth and multiply. Sounds like you have already lost the capacity for independent thought.

17 comments:

LERMONTOV said...

"c) then by all means go forth and multiply. Sounds like you have already lost the capacity for independent thought."

Or one could be a very good liar - I think that dishonesty is the bedrock of any successful relationship.

V funny post & third tme lucky, I hope!

Moko said...

I'll take the fifth on any opinion relating to relationships and or house plants.

Go to a garage sale this saturday and just trash all their shit. Better theirs, than yours.

Dr Yobbo said...

House plants are often better for conversation (ask Poonce Charles) but the sex isn't that flash (ditto)

NowhereBob said...

Another cracker Nat.

A mate once described my marriage as like those last 180Bs on the road. Just ticking along, not impressing anyone but getting there. An odd comment I thought.
Perhaps you're more an Alpha Romeo kinda girl, looks hot, goes fast but sometimes needs a tilt tray to get home?

Flinthart said...

Marriage is forkin' weird institution to begin with. Whyinhell do I need the government to legitimize my personal relationship with another consenting adult? What does K-Rudd's (or in the case of my marriage, Paul Keating's) opinion have to do with my up-shacking arrangements?

And then there's this Til Death Do Us Part concept. Is that, like, a warranty or a loophole?

Seriously: people change with time. If you're lucky, and committed, and have sufficient cause, you may find you can change alongside the person you're with. But if you don't have all three of those on your side -- then WTF good was that particular set of flowery promises in the first place.

Pfeh.

I say we go back to Celtic handfastings.

uamada said...

The reason marriages and well quite frankly all relationships fail is quite simply because women everywhere are insane, moody, unreasonable, petulant, psychotic freaks of nature.
Well most of them are...

Ausgaz said...

I am not qualified to comment as I have been married for 25 years and I dont have my wifes permission to make a comment. :)

yankeedog said...

I'm definitely a c) person. It's like the army-say 'Yes, sir (ma'am)' and follow orders and everything's all taken care of for you.

Echoing some of the others-you'll know what to look for and if there's another marriage in the cards for you, it might just work out OK. You've a lot to offer someone.

Simon said...

Somehow I get the feeling that you are making a mockery of this wonderful institution. I could be wrong of course.

Lunamor said...

Love your test :) Recently read a fascinating article on marriage & divorce (written a woman getting a divorce) about how maybe marriage has outlived its usefulness. Definitely disagreed with some of it, but it was a rather bold thing to publish and fabulous to read.

Nautilus said...

The trick to marriage is communication.

Never, ever communicate and you will be fine!

chazfh said...

Nat it's wrong to see the marriages as relationships having failed. it's better to see them as contracts that were invalidated due to the actions of the 2nd party (men are always the 2nd party!) causing the contract (and 1st party) to be frustrated!

Oh and being a real etstae agent you can ALWAY's trust me to tell the truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bondiboy66 said...

Why didn't I read this before I got married? Ah well - 2nd time around for me (although in actuality the first time was never formalised...but three kids later thats formal enough). I find saying "Yes dear' a lot helps.

Erronius Nomenclature said...

my penchant for honesty killed my two marriages too miLady, sad that something appearing to demand honour seems to thrive on successful deciepts... or I am just very jaded today (again)

Barnesm said...

Another craking post
Methinks that Nautilus has the right of it.

NATALIA THE RUSSIAN SPY said...

ALL: Damn you people make me laugh!

AUSGAZ: Welcome dear man! Seriously...how Would you beloved find out if you were to speak sans permission ;-)

LERM: Dishonesty is the bedrock of any successful relationship...ha!

MOKO: I'm a meek little petal...wouldn't dream of it ;-)

YOBBO: My vege patch thrives on chastisement!

NBOB: Ha! Methinks we have something in common...after all...my first car was a sunburnt orange 180B!

FLINT: Those Pagans are onto something!

U: You got that right lovey.

YANKEE: Certainly there is merit in keeping a low-profile...GOD knows I've done enough of it. But sometimes your tongue knows better than your brain!

SIMON: Making a mockery of the crockery is my favourite pastime :-)

LUNA: Certainly the generations getting married during the two major world wars found the arrangements useful as a matter of survival...they were prepared to live with out the passion and romance...methinks modern day couples demand traits in each other we aren't equipped with.

NAUT: Yup. Keeping your mouth shut certainly has merit. Now get over here so I can belt it out of ya!

CHAZ: Oh you real estate people sure do know how to put a twist on just about anything! *sighs* Something to be admired ;-)

BONDI: Be careful with that 'yes dear' action...she may just catch you off guard and have you agree to something odious ;-)

ERRONIUS: Hello there! Long time no see. Still love your way with words.

BARNES: Thank-you sir!

Steve said...

I've always gone with a slightly different tactic....pretending you never heard the question. I had years of practice, as I always employed this tactic with my parents during my teenage years. The bonus was hearing my mom say, "you know, he's always been hard of hearing."

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