After two failed marriages, I have come to the conclusion that the odds are better for finding intelligent life on Mars than expecting a marriage to survive (although the chances of finding intelligent life on Earth still remains remote) I have realized now that the lack of prenuptial education may be to blame. So that young couples may benefit from my experience and in the interests of civic duty, I present dear reader, a sensitively constructed prenuptial quiz.
‘Do I look fat in this dress?’
a) I can’t see. Is that an eclipse?
b) Well, not compared with how enormous your arse looks in jeans.
c) You know I love to see a woman with curves.
‘What are you thinking?’
a) Whether my passport is valid for the Seychelles.
b) If I was locked in a room with Sandra Sully and a jar of honey.
c) Whether it’s impossible to love you any more than I do now.
‘Do you think I should get a breast enlargement?
a) Not before you invest in rhinoplasty, no.
b) Now you’ve gone an ruined your birthday surprise!
c) Sweets…how can you improve upon perfection?
‘Would you still love me if we couldn’t have sex?’
a) No. I’d be across the road slinging stones at you.
b) Sure, like I’d enjoy footy if there was no ball.
c) It’s you I love pet. Not your body.
‘Do you mind if my mate Baz comes over to watch the footy?’
a) Why don’t we wait until he evolves into a recognizable life form?
b) Only if the lesbian next door can take me to that K.D.Lang show.
c) You know your friends are always welcome in our home dear.
‘Do you think I’m losing my hair?’
a) Well, it’s either that or a yeti has been using your comb.
b) Of course not. Do you think my breasts are beginning to sag?
c) I haven’t noticed. I’ve been looking at your cute arse.
‘Am I the best lover you’ve ever had?’
a) Is that before or after we got married?
b) Sorry? I just nodded off there for a minute.
c) I can’t remember any man before I met you.
If you answered mostly a) or b) then marriage is not for you. By the way, your house plants have asked for a trial separation. If you answered mostly c) then by all means go forth and multiply. Sounds like you have already lost the capacity for independent thought.