Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

DIARY OF A POP STAR

Wow! What an exciting year 2006 has been for me. First, the song ‘My Humps’ with the Black Eyed Peas was a big hit and all I did was rap about my ass. Then, my first solo single ‘London Bridge’ went platinum and that was about my poonie. I really think I’m onto something. I can’t wait for my next single to come out cuz it’s all about me. I reckon ‘Fergalicious’ is gonna be as big as ‘Let’s Get Retarded’ but with a bit more of a positive message. Never mind that guy from the LA Times called it ‘pure hubris’. I’d probably be more pissed off if I knew what that meant. But what does he know anyways? I mean, that song like took me almost an hour to write. Like, first I had to pick the music so I went with JJ Fad’s Supersonic and used it cuz there’s this law that says you can’t write your own music anymore. Then I chose a drum and synth loop from this free program on my laptop and then I sampled some strings from a group not-as-famous-as-me and that alone nearly took twenty minutes. Next I asked my manager what I should sing about. He says to me ‘So what part of your body haven’t we rubbed in everyone’s face yet?’ and I said ‘how about all of me at once? It won’t just be about my bum and love tunnel. It’ll be about my boobies, bung hole and pee shaft too. I could talk about how delicious I am…no wait…I could be Fergalicious!’ My manager loved the idea and said he’d never thought of me as an adjective before. After I googled ‘adjective’ and figured out he wasn’t dissin’ me, I told him thanks! Y’know they always say you should write about the truth in a song and I agree. Everyone knows that boys jerk themselves blind whenever they see me. They can look all they want...as long as they don’t make eye contact. It’s great! I tease boys ‘cause they come and go like seasons... y’know like Autumn, November and Wednesday. Seriously, you should see all the pools of jizz on the sidewalk outside my apartment. Oh man!!!! I’m just so freakin’ Fergalicious!!!!!!!!

10 comments:

Dr Yobbo said...

Thank fuck she's disappeared into obscurity with her fucking Lady Lumps.

jennicki said...

I can't f**king stand Fergie.

Steve said...

Yobbo, yeah if only.....unfortunately, everytime there's an HP computer commercial, there she is... talking about herself and how she steals dance moves. From bad dancers.

Brilliant entry, Nat.

The Rhino said...

Nat, that was hilarious. I love it when you when you skewer people like this.

That being said ... I'd totally hit that.

Bondiboy66 said...

If there were Justice - Fergie and that Lady Gaga* would die horribly in some form of transport accident. Like being run over slowly by a steam roller.

*Note - I have not knowingly heard anything by either of these strumpets, but have been bombarded in newspapers and the like with breathless stories of their of stage antics.

LERMONTOV said...

She has a great rack though

bangarrr said...

Physically impressive, but the rest ... questionable.

Abe said...

I've met her and she has a lovely personality.

Nah, to be honest I'm not sure...I was busy staring at her ass.

Flinthart said...

Those lady lumps... it was cancer, right? That's why we haven't heard anything more from her?

Steve said...

I googled the lyrics to London Bridges....how were you able to determine it was about her poonie? As near as I can tell, the song isn't about anything, except a vehicle for someone to say "Oh Snap" a lot.

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