Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

BLUDGEON THE BLUNT

After a few beers last night I ended up crashing pretty early and was still feeling a bit precious this morning when I decided to replenish the household supplies and trundle down to the supermarket. Bad move. Nearly had a brainsnap. James Blunt was playing over the PA and the woman standing behind me in the queue was tunelessly humming it my ear at about 8.30am this morning. The sound of his voice mingling with hers was downright eviscerating. Let me purge the experience here dear reader, lest it sour the rest of my day. Now first of all, let’s get one thing straight. Everybody I know hates ‘You’re Beautiful’. By everybody I mean every person, invertebrate, arthropod and furry marsupial; every creature that crawls, swims or flies. Leaf litter hates it. Statues hate it. Zombies hate it. Air hates it. Aliens hate it. Even black holes hates it. If my Granny was alive she’d hate it! The only person who doesn’t hate ‘You’re Beautiful’ is obviously James Blunt. Give him time. Now you can understand why I was feeling somewhat perplexed. Why was this woman in the shops enjoying herself so much? This is another song that despairs me no end when I hear it at weddings. Are people really that stupid? I mean has anyone listened to this song beyond that blasted refrain? Some stoner sees a pretty girl (his angel) on the train. She appears to have a boyfriend. He bemoans her apparent unavailability. He throws himself off an icecap. End of story. But no. He’s gotta bleat like some damned wounded lamb for another three minutes about an encounter that probably lasted ten seconds. I really don’t understand how this song came to be so popular; nor why programmers continue to spin it on Brisbane radio. I’m not sure this article warrants any more elaboration on the subject. As I said, sweet fuck all happens but I’ll give it a go anyways…It’s two hours later. I’ve responded to some emails. Ran some errands, watered the indoor plants and worked out the bass line for a Foo Fighters song. I’m still stuck. Guess I could start with the intro. Listen here to an acoustic guitar strumming some very simple chords. Another acoustic pops in with a pithy tune. OK now that’s all done. I’ll be right back. Gotta put on a load of washing and categorise my black t-shirts. Back again. We’re at the chorus. ‘You’re beautiful’, he sings. He bleats it again. And again. Yeah that’s right baby, I’m beeoooootiful. James doesn’t know what to do and figures he’ll never get his end in. I guess he doesn’t have a plan then. What else is on my to do list? That’s right, a workout. Twenty minutes of self-devised stretches with half kilo weights. Feel like a kick arse espresso now. Let’s fire up the machine yeah! OK where were we again? Oh yeah that’s right. Woe is the sheep; he’s recapping it again. He was too stoned and didn’t seize his very brief opportunity and doesn’t quite now how he’s ever going to survive. In case you didn’t hear it the first time round. I now visualize a scene from the film clip for a moment in order to find the answer. There he is looking sadly resigned in bare feet on the icecap. An agonizingly slow ritual of laying out his personal effects takes place before he risks permanent shrinkage of his vitals by diving feet first into subzero temperatures. How very earnest James. OK now the coffee’s kicking in with a vengeance. Excuse me while I use the ladies and ponder the mystery that is the continuing popularity of this song. Can you offer a reason dear reader? Because the way I see it, If I’d have known that the market that tapped into a woman’s capacity for sympathy was still booming, I’d have been ape-ing the situation at Hallmark a long time ago.

12 comments:

Dr Yobbo said...

James Blunt: the reason for rhyming slang's enduring popularity.

Jamin (AKA Blue Box) said...

James Blunt, like many others his ilk, is paint-by-numbers music. It's music for people who don't like music. It's music designed to perpetuate a romantic ideal to sell a mythical lifestyle. James Blunt is to music what IKEA is to interior styling.

Steve said...

I give him some points for being really funny and cool on Top Gear.

I wonder how many weddings featured this song during the dance at the reception? Probably about as many times as "Every Breath You Take" or "I Will Always Love You." Which, surprisingly, is LOTS. What surprises me though is that I've only been to one wedding reception that did not feature "Paradise By The Dashboard Light." Surprisingly, DJ's see nothing wrong with playing a song whose lyrics include "Praying for the end of time so that I can end my time with you." With DJ's like that, surely "You're Beautiful" is going to be around for a long, long time.

uamada said...

You're Cynical. You're Cynical.
You're Cynical, it's true.
but you hate his sap 'cause the singings crap,
And the lyrics suck arse too,
so i have to agree with you.

LERMONTOV said...

His record sales don't really help democracy

Love the word 'trundle'

Erronius Nomenclature said...

I think admitting publicly that he is destined to be alone and delusional was very cathartic for everyone!

Bondiboy66 said...

I'm with Steve in that I've seen a few interviews with the bloke as well as Top Gear, and he comes across as a good sort of a bloke. And he earns extra cred for having been a soldier (officer actually - he comes from a military family) and served in Bosnia.

But his music sucks massive balls. My wedding was a James Blunt Free Zone. Amongst our songs was 'Come Up And See Me' by Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel. Classic 70s 'I wanna shag you' song.

Dr Yobbo said...

Lerm - for some reason 'trundle' always brings back memories of Steve Waugh's bowling action.

bangarrr said...

As much as I enjoy unusual vocal styles, that is just plain annoying.

chazfh said...

For a former serving officer who's seen some shit, he's fallen pretty low.

This song was probabaly the death knell to the popularity of the metrosexual male to women who had more that a couple of braincells to rub together. IE non-WAGs!

Bondiboy66 said...

True Chaz - but he has also made a metric fuckload of money for stooping so low. So he may be rich - but his punishment is to actually have to perform his own songs publicly...

Natalia the Russian Spy said...

I love you people. Especially you Uamada!

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