Tuesday, July 21, 2009
After a few beers last night I ended up crashing pretty early and was still feeling a bit precious this morning when I decided to replenish the household supplies and trundle down to the supermarket. Bad move. Nearly had a brainsnap. James Blunt was playing over the PA and the woman standing behind me in the queue was tunelessly humming it my ear at about 8.30am this morning. The sound of his voice mingling with hers was downright eviscerating. Let me purge the experience here dear reader, lest it sour the rest of my day. Now first of all, let’s get one thing straight. Everybody I know hates ‘You’re Beautiful’. By everybody I mean every person, invertebrate, arthropod and furry marsupial; every creature that crawls, swims or flies. Leaf litter hates it. Statues hate it. Zombies hate it. Air hates it. Aliens hate it. Even black holes hates it. If my Granny was alive she’d hate it! The only person who doesn’t hate ‘You’re Beautiful’ is obviously James Blunt. Give him time. Now you can understand why I was feeling somewhat perplexed. Why was this woman in the shops enjoying herself so much? This is another song that despairs me no end when I hear it at weddings. Are people really that stupid? I mean has anyone listened to this song beyond that blasted refrain? Some stoner sees a pretty girl (his angel) on the train. She appears to have a boyfriend. He bemoans her apparent unavailability. He throws himself off an icecap. End of story. But no. He’s gotta bleat like some damned wounded lamb for another three minutes about an encounter that probably lasted ten seconds. I really don’t understand how this song came to be so popular; nor why programmers continue to spin it on Brisbane radio. I’m not sure this article warrants any more elaboration on the subject. As I said, sweet fuck all happens but I’ll give it a go anyways…It’s two hours later. I’ve responded to some emails. Ran some errands, watered the indoor plants and worked out the bass line for a Foo Fighters song. I’m still stuck. Guess I could start with the intro. Listen here to an acoustic guitar strumming some very simple chords. Another acoustic pops in with a pithy tune. OK now that’s all done. I’ll be right back. Gotta put on a load of washing and categorise my black t-shirts. Back again. We’re at the chorus. ‘You’re beautiful’, he sings. He bleats it again. And again. Yeah that’s right baby, I’m beeoooootiful. James doesn’t know what to do and figures he’ll never get his end in. I guess he doesn’t have a plan then. What else is on my to do list? That’s right, a workout. Twenty minutes of self-devised stretches with half kilo weights. Feel like a kick arse espresso now. Let’s fire up the machine yeah! OK where were we again? Oh yeah that’s right. Woe is the sheep; he’s recapping it again. He was too stoned and didn’t seize his very brief opportunity and doesn’t quite now how he’s ever going to survive. In case you didn’t hear it the first time round. I now visualize a scene from the film clip for a moment in order to find the answer. There he is looking sadly resigned in bare feet on the icecap. An agonizingly slow ritual of laying out his personal effects takes place before he risks permanent shrinkage of his vitals by diving feet first into subzero temperatures. How very earnest James. OK now the coffee’s kicking in with a vengeance. Excuse me while I use the ladies and ponder the mystery that is the continuing popularity of this song. Can you offer a reason dear reader? Because the way I see it, If I’d have known that the market that tapped into a woman’s capacity for sympathy was still booming, I’d have been ape-ing the situation at Hallmark a long time ago.