Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Friday, July 3, 2009

THE BIG BLOWIE

It’s freezing cold and blowing a gale here in Brisbane today, so it seems appropriate that slap-bang in the middle of winter is a good time to review the naming of the seasons. It’s about time we jettisoned the traditions of our English forebears and came up with some seasons of our own. The Yanks call autumn ‘fall’ and likewise we Aussies should become more conscious of our own environment and adjust. Most Australian-born children suffer from a crippling cultural schizophrenia. There is something deeply disturbing about watching your parents paint frost on the window on a 38 degree December day. Children feel cheated when story books promise a snowy Christmas, blazing Yule log and magnificent fir tree only to be greeted by a piece of gum tree sprayed silver with cotton wool glued on it. How can we expect our children to be beguiled by the wonder of scrawny, mixo-ridden vermin bringing gifts at Easter? You may as well tell the kids the kindly old Easter European carp is on his way. Rethinking the seasons is a good way to start healing this cultural schism. We obviously can’t look to the trees to help us out being the mix of evergreen and deciduous varieties that we have. Perhaps northern Australians could have two seasons, ‘Wet’ and ‘Dry’ and the southerners could have two called ‘Cricket’ and ‘Footy’. Melbourne’s seasons could be renamed ‘Drizzle’, ‘Overcast’, ‘Sopping Wet’ and ‘Blowing a Dog off a Chain’ and here in Brisbane we could go ‘Muggy as Hell’, ‘Rumbling Skies’, ‘Freezing Westerlies’ and 'Bludge’, a season which runs from November until January, as in, ‘Oh sorry mate, we’d love to come out and look at your new fridge/extension/pergola, but we’re flat out like a lizard till Chrissy’. So dear reader, how would you rename the seasons of your city?

21 comments:

Lou said...

Good question.

Here in Auckland we could have the 'bleak wet' which would just about cover autumn, winter and spring and the 'muggy dry but often wet' which would pretty much cover summer.

Barnesm said...

And Melbourne is currently experiencing 'Blowing a fraking BIG, cold, wet Dog off a Chain and 'es not hapy about it’


I like you idea of a festive 'old Easter European carp'.

Moko said...

Man...I'm sorry, but I can't get my dodgy mind past the title.

Still laughing about it.

bangarrr said...

I think Melbourne's season's vary ... from one hour long to a week. When they change they pick by some random means whose turn it is.

Havock21 said...

Moko, me neither, was gunna ask is it FLY related...lol

NATALIA THE RUSSIAN SPY said...

LOU: I am looking forward to more NZ takes on the situation.

B: He's a dirty big ol' carp ain't he?

MOKO: A head job is a job under-apprecitated.

BANG: Melbourne has always confounded me my love.

HARRY: Flies are an ever present problem...big ones to be had are only fleeting...

NATALIA THE RUSSIAN SPY said...

can't spell....damn.

Bondiboy66 said...

I feel cheated - I thought this was the Oral Sex thread!

Well here in Sunny Sydney our seasons could be variously :
Pleasant, (Spring)
Fucking Hot (Summer)
Slightly Less Pleasant (Autumn)
Miserable (Winter)

Eh, I'm not feeling very creative right now....

Havock21 said...

me too hence the ZIPPER...FLY..well, AT LEAST MOKO KNEW WHAT IWAS TALKING ABOUT..lol

NATALIA THE RUSSIAN SPY said...

God damn it...you men....be back in the morning...head jobs?...I had no idea.

uamada said...

i like the idea of
ok (march, april, may, half of june)
toocold (half of june, july, august)
oktoo (september, october, november)
toohot (december, January, february)

yankeedog said...

Slang and double entendres aside, how the hell cold does it get in Brisbane in winter? If you tell me mid 60's Fahrenheit, I'll be disappointed. When you folks hit -10 to -15 in either scale, then we'll talk.

NowhereBob said...

How 'bout the 3 seasons here on the Sunny Coast
Lovely, then Chilly, a return to Lovely then Hot.
All up Lovely runs about 8 months of the year.
Jealous much Melbourne-ites?

Havock21 said...

Fly...For a HAVOCK GUY!..OH YEAH BABY..OH YEAH.

Hey, what else did ya think we would do with that....

Havock21 said...

ok back to the weather thing just to keep ya happy of course.

I'm going with...HOT!......and....WET!..lol

Havock21 said...

Hell, moist even, followed by some...Nipplish weather as well.

Anneal said...

It's already been done up here:

Winter
and
Road Construction

NATALIA THE RUSSIAN SPY said...

ANNEAL: Good one! We too are forever in the road construction season.

H: Ha!

NBOB: Beautiful one day...perfect the next.

YANKEE: It gets down to about 6 degrees celsius...hehehehe.

U: I like it too.

Flinthart said...

...I can't actually comment on Tasmania, without breaking the Ironclad Rule of Tasmanians -- which is to make sure we only tell you mainlanders how cold and wet it is down here all the time.

I mean... sure, I could do that. But I hate lying to people I know.

NATALIA THE RUSSIAN SPY said...

FLINT: You temperates are such show-offs!

Steve said...

I think Atlanta could go with:

Brisk (mid January to Feb 1)
Wet (early Feb to sometime in May)
Melting Asphalt (June through September)
College Football (September through the beginning of January....it matters not what the temp is outside, we're either inside watching the games, or outside dressed appropriately while watching the games)

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