Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

SWORD SWALLOWING

Greetings! Another sporadic entry from yours truly. Since the house finally settles in a week’s time, I’ve been on the hunt for a rental property. From somebody that has been an owner for several years I’d forgotten how much real estates make the humble renter feel like chopped liver. To go from having an agent falling all over you to being treated like dirt as a renter makes my blood boil! During the process of inspecting about fifteen different properties I had to deal with several curt young ladies on the telephone. I repeat…not a happy camper about being made to feel sub-human. Anyways, I’ve found the perfect property and have put in an application. Fingers crossed. There’s a lot of filthy, rundown rentals out there. I had to kiss a lot of toads let me tell you. But there was a little surprise waiting for me in a place I looked at in Salisbury that tickled my fancy. A warning to all potential renters: if the internet ad does not show internal pictures of the property, don’t waste your time inspecting it! This place was positively feral…kinda looked like a bunch of marauding soldiers had occupied the building during wartime and trashed the joint. Mud tracked over every square inch of the carpet, dust an inch thick on every surface, windows that had lost their transparency, the smell of stale piss. Urgh. But what have we here on the floor in the second bedroom? A pile of crusty old undies and a book…hey I recognise that cover…HOW TO BE A MAN by John Birmingham and Dirk Flinthart. WTF??? I do believe the back cover reads something like, ‘For the purposes of this book, we’re going to assume that you’re within the normal boundaries of blokehood. You know enough to shower daily, brush your teeth after meals and pick the fattest, slowest moving lice from your body. If this description doesn’t apply to you, no amount of reading is going to be of assistance.’ Ha! So Dirk and Birmo…I thought you should know…despite all your best efforts and advice…some men are clearly beyond help. And I had such high hopes for the evolution of man.

25 comments:

Nautilus said...

That is gold!!!! I hope you repositioned the book in a prominent location before you left.

Renting blows, glad you found somewhere you like.

Moko 2.0 said...

HERE she is.

lol Absolutely HATE looking for somewhere to rent. Total shite.

Flinthart said...

Sigh... one does the best one can, but sometimes the material one with which one has to work is just too inferior.

Good to know you may have found digs again. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. The rental nightmare... ugh.

NATALIA THE RUSSIAN SPY said...

NAUT: It WAS pure comedy mate! I wished the authors could have seen it. Honestly the room was bare but for the pile of undies and the book. Like a shrine of filth. It couldn't have been more prominent!

MOKO: Much pain was endured my friend.

FLINT: Ah yes you can lead a horse to water...in this case he was flea-ridden with shit on his hooves.

Steve said...

It could be worse you know.

You could've found a dead junkie.

Clutching an equally dead felafel.

jennicki said...

Oh Nat I totally know what you mean re: renting. Good luck out there!

And finding the book there was gold, just absolute gold. Wish you'd gotten a camera pic or something of it. ;D

Big Bad Al said...

Good to see you again Nat.

"A pile of crusty old undies" That might be why he moved. Ran out of undies. Like the full ashtray in a car.

Glad you found a place you like. Now comes the settling in and moving the lounge a dozen times - "Lets see what it looks like over there."

bangarrr said...

Nat you have my sympathies. I know you'd be a good tenant, but what is out there makes all tenants look bad. On the upside as a tenant you've got more rights than the landlord.

uamada said...

My RE does inspections every 3 months. I fucking hate it but, that is seriously the worse thing they do. The RE i had before this one still give me nightmares (they were based at Annerley - 'kn awful)
And make sure you read up on your RTA regs Nat - Theres a few that the RE's like breaking, ALL THE TIME. Don't think that because you're an Adult and not some student on their first trip out from home they won't try and screw you.
good luck
you will need it

Dr Yobbo said...

Yeah the realos completely disrespect renters - as well as buyers. The difference btw the way we were treated as vendors (as you'd have experiences) vs as potential fresh meat to be fleeced - and I'm aware that's a mixed metaphor, and a shit one at that - was astonishing, even though we were kind of expecting it. Hope it resolves itself.

abefrellman said...

Have u tried using the same agent u just paid a fortune in commish to? They might treat u with a modicum of respect.

Hope you're keeping well, sweetheart.

Abe xx

yankeedog said...

Good luck, Natalie. Hope the new place is to your liking.

What kind of slumlord, er, landlord, doesn't make an attempt to clean an apartment up a bit to make it presentable? The renter can always be suckered in, only to find out the landlord only pays the water bill in alternating years or never bothered to install heating (probably no big deal there, but bad news here).

I'd guess that Bangar's right given past events. It seems like tenants have a lot of rights there-for some, too many.

chazfh said...

Nat, if you want any help let me know.

I can always give you a character reference!

Anneal said...

LOL

NATALIA THE RUSSIAN SPY said...

ANNEAL: Damn it. I thought it was funny.

CHAZ: You're a schweetheart...wish I'd known you'd speak up for moi ;-) But thankfully it wasn't necessary!

YANKEE: Seems all the good wishes have been fruitful!

DR YOBBO: Mix metaphors anyday with me baby!

U: Sage advice my friend. Thank you!

ABE: Exzachary....damn blood sucking biaaaaatch. I rang her. And all she could offer was...well we have a lot of CRAP houses. *sighs* At least she was a reference!

BANG: No way! Really?

BBA: It's all good my dear. I have cut-outs and intend on playing with my graphs well before move out...BTW...bought some fish from Morgan's last week...YUM.

JEN: Promise to upgrade someday baby.

STEVE: Stuff the Felalfel! Birmo's into brown eyes these days..hehehehehhe.

Steve said...

Studying them? Or do you mean REALLY, LITERALLY, into them?

Either way....well, everyone has their fetish.

bangarrr said...

Nat mine was given a notice to vacate on the 19th Feb, got him out three months later. After three VCAT hearings and using the FRU (Force Response, Victorian Police). I'm currently storing his stuff (Valued by Consumer Affairs at A$900 at what would be my expense). Oh yeah, renters got rights.

NowhereBob said...

Tennancy is a bit like puberty, you might be able to look back on it with a certain fondness, but in reality it is a sh!te sandwich on rye no butter.
Hope you get the good 'un.
If not, apply your KGB training; think outside the box- look for opportunities through old folks homes, know any dentists? they always have investment properties.

NowhereBob said...

Or you could just "rub out" the current tennants of a great house.

Bondiboy66 said...

Hmm I wrote something a few days ago and it wafted away into the ether...
Anyway, I fucken HATE renting. We've been in the same place over four years now (almost bought it when it got auctioned but the price went a teensy bit too high) - now the bastard landlords bung the rent up annually. Pricks. But I fear being turfed out more - the rental merry go round is one of life's soul destroying experiences. That and the fact we happen to like the area we live in.

Oh to be able to afford to buy!

YsambartCourtin said...

I always just read the ACT, would carry it with me, and come out with things that were terrible but legal if the landlord wanted to get stupid about things. I had one landlord who wanted us to garden for her every week. She would come around and complain that there were weeds in the garden. We gave her permission to do the gardening if she wanted to, but no, she wanted us to do so. We simply went 'no'. "I'll kick you out" 'You certainly may at the end of the lease'. She got all pouty, so I just pulled out the big one " Did you know that if I pull very piece of plant matter from this house and then replant whatever I want, I have 'maintained the garden' according to the ACT? Did you know that I could SALT THE EARTH and then put in some small potted catii and conform to the act?

She finally left us alone, and in the week before we left we weeded the garden and got full bond back.

The huge bags of salt we kept on the front porch might have helped her realize that she didn't want to mess with us. Sometimes you just have to get biblical with people.

If you decide to let your house out, you have not hired labour for your gardens...

YsambartCourtin said...

The other one is that if the people wanted to sell the house, we said 'one open day per month, and a free weeks rent for anything more.'

One of the owners got all funny and whiny about it, so we simply got every porn mag we could find and left them lying all over the house, all over the fridge, and all over every surface. She started to get twitchy about that, so we rolled out our "gay and lesbian motorcycle club" posters and said that we have not yet begun to fight.

Guess what. There is give and take. Play rough and I'll bring you Mr Pineapple.

bangarrr said...

Bart mind chattin' to the Leech for me? Three months past would be ideal.

Steve said...

I like Bart's style. I really do.

NATALIA THE RUSSIAN SPY said...

Sorry guys...deep in boxes...

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