Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

LOW-FAT WITCHCRAFT

I was at a dinner party the other night talking to my old radio friend Cindy about nothing in particular when she paused and said, ‘I’ve just had a psychic flash’ and mustering my most grave and thoughtful expression in response, I whispered, ‘Really?’ I’m used to Cindy’s psychic pronouncements by now, but it was a shock when I first realised she had been taken by the forces of the Other Side. I’d known Cindy for years. Bad-mannered, hard-living, sardonic, cynical Cindy. Then one day, again talking about nothing in particular, I said that I was feeling a bit depressed. And right out of the blue she said, “Have you had your numerology chart done? You may just be entering a low energy cycle. It would make sense because according to the Celtic-Nordic Eightfold Year calendar it’s now fallow time. I don’t know how many of you have seen The Invasion of the Body Snatchers but it was like some strange spiritual being had taken the real Cindy away and left in her stead a New Age Whacko. ‘But it’s also the power of positive visualisation. Have you read ‘The Secret’? If things aren’t happening for you it just means you aren’t putting out the right signals.’ Although I immediately thought there would be a few million people starving in Africa who would have been fascinated with her theory, I just whispered, ‘Really?’ These days I swear there’s a resident loony at every party! The following are some recent conversations I’ve attempted to have with a New Age Whacko. ME: I’ve just had the lounge room painted and some renovations done. I’m really happy with the way the house is looking. HER: Have you had a Feng Shui consultant in? You know that if the extensions are L-shaped you could be missing your wealth corner. ME: I’m really worried about my sister. She hasn’t had a relationship in a long time and she’s come to a dead end at work at the solicitor's. HER: Don’t worry, she has Saturn in her opposite sign at the moment, but she’s going to be fine after the eclipse in March. I tell you all this New Age mumbo is really starting to seriously unnerve me. Those who know me will know that I do have my (ahem) spiritual side and I do try to keep an open mind on all things transcendental. Karmic law may well be a universal force (but it doesn’t explain why so many mean, rich bastards die happy), reincarnation may exist (although it doesn’t have much point if those same bastards don’t know they’ve come back as a bogong moth on a windshield) and angels may be abroad in the world of men (but it seems unfair that they save one person but let 200 people die in a train derailment). But all this holistic, herbal, low-fat bollocks which is expressed as an unassailable belief system is driving me bonkers! And these women are otherwise sophisticated and intelligent. You can imagine what happens when men start talking like this. At least someone in the group will have the sense to say, ‘Oh for fuck's sake shut-up Harry, you’re talking out of your arse’. And if a man didn’t knock such stupidity on the head, soon enough we’d have the spectacle of the Australian cricket team taking a break for Bach Rescue Remedy, lavender eye pillows and positive affirmations. CRICKET CAPTAIN: I dunno, we can’t seem to win a trick at the moment. I can’t work out why we’re in such a slump. WICKET-KEEPER: Well, if you look at the configuration of the pitch and sightboard we’ve got a negative energy flow situation. If we hang a flute or a mirror on the stumps it should restore positive chi. CRICKET CAPTAIN: Shut-up Harry, you’re talking out of your arse. So all you New Age Whackos out there, do us a favour and try to keep your amazing insights to yourself. Some of us are trying to think.

21 comments:

uamada said...

Actually I know a guy who will check your faeces for acidently discarded chi remnants, if you've had a bad day and damaged it. He lives in a caravan on a property in the gold coast hinterland if you want me to hook you up.

Havock21 said...

I fear my dear, that once these individuals have trodden this path they are FOREVAAAAAAAAR scarred and should, forthwith meet hayman reece.

Being a most tact full individual, the return would be " Hey, you're full of shit, what are you on", For fuck sakes, talk about off with them, OH, hang on a minute and let me brush that stuff OFF your shoulders", they look," what stuff", that fucking pixie dust you have all over you.

It does take all types, I am really a fairly open minded person, just do expect me to readily jump on board the AIRATION TRAIN and Feng, fungi fucking floating fuck up boat. Its not me. I THINK. now, I'm off to use me DOVE SOAP and roller around in some pot pourri of whatever the fuck those leafy things in a open bowl are!.

Jyggdrasil said...

If you cram enough chunks of the world's many belief system into the way you view the world eventually something has to line up with said views. Problem is of course that correlation does not equal causality.

That and hippies usually smell funny.

Dr Yobbo said...

Ah, it's kinda amusing all the desperately insane things people will compel themselves to believe in order to black out the hideous reality that we are all alone in a godless universe that remains laughably contemptuous of our feeble efforts to make sense of it.

By amusing, of course, I mean scary as fark.

abefrellman said...

"WICKET KEEPER: Maybe you shoulda picked Roy, numnuts!!"

Flinthart said...

Knew a bloke at university who was dead-set convinced he could guess your star-sign within minutes of meeting you. Wasn't just a pick-up line, either: he did it to blokes as well.

Stupid prick. You'd think he'd get it right one time in twelve, no? Actually, most of the time he took about six guesses to get it. But he was still convinced of his own psychic genius. Oh, and of the amazing quality of his badly scratched and rapidly deteriorating collection of deservedly obscure indie vinyl.

You out there somewhere, Mr John? I'm a FUCKING AQUARIUS, not a goddam Taurus you pointless pile of rat-squeezings.

Twat.

Steve said...

My father was an astronomer. By that, I mean he got his Bachelor of Science in Astronomy, and he held a PhD in Astrophysics from the Univ of California-Los Angeles (UCLA). He spent years in university, researching, working in planetariums, teaching, working in observatories, etc etc etc. His university was paid for by a grant from the National Defense Education Act, which was a push to create more scientists in order to beat the Soviets both in the space race and the Cold War.

So what happened, every time he was at a dinner party, and someone asked him what he did and he replied "Astronomer"? He would hear, "Oh, can you do my horoscope?" The difference between my father and I is, he would calmly say, "no, you want an astrologer for that. I'm a scientist." I would've said the same thing with about 2 or 3 "fucking" thrown in.

This is why he never introduced himself as "Doctor," even though he was entitled to the honor. He didn't want people asking follow-up questions that would eventually result in him being asked about his thoughts regarding the moon rising in Leo or some shit.

The Rhino said...

I was going to write something pithy but I fear the HLDW and her cadre of the like minded would find out and my inbox would be flooded with admonishments to raise my thought energy level.

Steve said...

Plus, the HLDW would totally rip out your chi and show it to you before you die.

YsambartCourtin said...

Better denial lines: "Could you do my horoscope" "Yes, umm, umm, Mars is rising in your intellect sector. Please subscribe to 'New Scientist' and read every word cover to cover or you will die within the year"

"I'm Doctor Blah" "I have this pain in my side" "Please strip to you underwear and lie on this table"

Steve said...

Bart, wishing my dad was still alive to give him that first one. Very nice!

Therbs said...

Just imagine what its like for us blokes when we've set sail for a deliciious young lady and she comes up with this sort of superstitious drivel. We (I), prewtend to understand and say stuff like "That's meaningful and really relevant." That approach may last until the second or third bedroom interlude until something goes wrong. Like laughing out loud at UFO's and dodgy wicker theories. It simply ain't worth it.

Damian said...

The way I see it is, as Yobbo says, the universe is a place of material effects, and things like meaning and reason that seem so important to us human beings actually don't exist in any physical, manifest, real way. The same thing is true for god or gods, only more so.

So meaning is something we bring. No religion actually provides answers, but the most successful ones have the richest, most complex collections of rituals and interpretations. I really think that belief doesn't even come into it in any way that's important, but rather it's about the world view and the complex hermetic mechanisms for interpreting and applying meaning to events.

So these things are a way of treating things that are essentially meaningless as meaningful, and doing this is part of the human situation. There are people who try to use science in the same way, but doing so mistakes what science is for. Science is about explanation, but not about meaning. Untangling the two appears to be beyond your average punter, so in a way it's better to let them have at the new agey stuff.

Otherwise you end up having to explain why the plural of anecdote is not evidence

Barnesm said...

Great to hear from one of the other advocates of reason NatV keep up the good work.

Astrology is bad enough but that is the sort of wooly-headed thinking that results in people dying of cureable diseases or chasing expensive medical 'cures' that have no more efficacy than a placebo.

Sagan was right. We live in a Demon-Haunted World.

Damian said...

Barnes: we do indeed. However it's not as obvious as you suggest what parts of our experience are not demon-infatuation.

Steve said...

Therbs, I could never even get to the 2nd or 3rd one. I could've had a MUCH better time in college, challenging the law of averages where pregnancy is concerned, except because I was raised by an astrophysicist, every time one of these girls (who could've easily gone to bed with me with some good salesmanship/alcohol) opened her mouth about astrology being a science, my big fat mouth usually screwed the deal by telling them astrology was a bunch of horseshit (in those exact words).

It wasn't until years later I learned the art of sealing the deal.

juxtagon nee idoru said...

"You can imagine what happens when men start talking like this. At least someone in the group will have the sense to say, ‘Oh for fuck's sake shut-up Harry, you’re talking out of your arse’."

y'know what. You would think so ... unless they too are wishy-washy pagan newagers. But I guess you've never been drinkin'n'shootin' the breeze over here.

"shutit ya tube" is a phrase you should learn for the next wave of newagers offering advice, Nat. It will both shut them up and confuse them at the same time. oh, which may be a bad thing to do to Chopper ( just seen that film last week)

at a guess, your sisters problem is too much ice-cream in the fridge. if she keeps less in then she has to go to the shops and may stumble into someone. Which is stupid common sense advice. :P

(think you got the wrong end of the meaning about Karma too :P )

I'm not blogging but I am on Twitter now. Mini-mini blogs of no worthwhile content. Bit like before,really.

www.twitter.com/juxtagon

surprised you're not there, drunkenly twittering from your phone ...

chazfh said...

Maybe you should move to Kuranda, lots of similar people up there..plus a shooting range....

Punch said...

Natalia, you're a pip.

yankeedog said...

When the moon is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars

This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius
The age of Aquarius
Aquarius!
Aquarius!

Harmony and understanding
Sympathy and trust abounding
No more falsehoods or derisions
Golden living dreams of visions
Mystic crystal revelation
And the mind's true liberation
Aquarius!
Aquarius!

When the moon is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars

This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius
The age of Aquarius
Aquarius!
Aquarius!

-----

Must go clean house now.

paulboylan said...

Nat, I must confess I adore New Age types - but only because it is really very easy to borrow money from them. When they want it back, I explain it wasn't me who borrowed the money, but my Dark Universe spirit-self. I would say that works 85% -90% of the time to extinguish the debt, which makes it well worth the effort.

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