Thursday, May 21, 2009
I was at a dinner party the other night talking to my old radio friend Cindy about nothing in particular when she paused and said, ‘I’ve just had a psychic flash’ and mustering my most grave and thoughtful expression in response, I whispered, ‘Really?’ I’m used to Cindy’s psychic pronouncements by now, but it was a shock when I first realised she had been taken by the forces of the Other Side. I’d known Cindy for years. Bad-mannered, hard-living, sardonic, cynical Cindy. Then one day, again talking about nothing in particular, I said that I was feeling a bit depressed. And right out of the blue she said, “Have you had your numerology chart done? You may just be entering a low energy cycle. It would make sense because according to the Celtic-Nordic Eightfold Year calendar it’s now fallow time. I don’t know how many of you have seen The Invasion of the Body Snatchers but it was like some strange spiritual being had taken the real Cindy away and left in her stead a New Age Whacko. ‘But it’s also the power of positive visualisation. Have you read ‘The Secret’? If things aren’t happening for you it just means you aren’t putting out the right signals.’ Although I immediately thought there would be a few million people starving in Africa who would have been fascinated with her theory, I just whispered, ‘Really?’ These days I swear there’s a resident loony at every party! The following are some recent conversations I’ve attempted to have with a New Age Whacko. ME: I’ve just had the lounge room painted and some renovations done. I’m really happy with the way the house is looking. HER: Have you had a Feng Shui consultant in? You know that if the extensions are L-shaped you could be missing your wealth corner. ME: I’m really worried about my sister. She hasn’t had a relationship in a long time and she’s come to a dead end at work at the solicitor's. HER: Don’t worry, she has Saturn in her opposite sign at the moment, but she’s going to be fine after the eclipse in March. I tell you all this New Age mumbo is really starting to seriously unnerve me. Those who know me will know that I do have my (ahem) spiritual side and I do try to keep an open mind on all things transcendental. Karmic law may well be a universal force (but it doesn’t explain why so many mean, rich bastards die happy), reincarnation may exist (although it doesn’t have much point if those same bastards don’t know they’ve come back as a bogong moth on a windshield) and angels may be abroad in the world of men (but it seems unfair that they save one person but let 200 people die in a train derailment). But all this holistic, herbal, low-fat bollocks which is expressed as an unassailable belief system is driving me bonkers! And these women are otherwise sophisticated and intelligent. You can imagine what happens when men start talking like this. At least someone in the group will have the sense to say, ‘Oh for fuck's sake shut-up Harry, you’re talking out of your arse’. And if a man didn’t knock such stupidity on the head, soon enough we’d have the spectacle of the Australian cricket team taking a break for Bach Rescue Remedy, lavender eye pillows and positive affirmations. CRICKET CAPTAIN: I dunno, we can’t seem to win a trick at the moment. I can’t work out why we’re in such a slump. WICKET-KEEPER: Well, if you look at the configuration of the pitch and sightboard we’ve got a negative energy flow situation. If we hang a flute or a mirror on the stumps it should restore positive chi. CRICKET CAPTAIN: Shut-up Harry, you’re talking out of your arse. So all you New Age Whackos out there, do us a favour and try to keep your amazing insights to yourself. Some of us are trying to think.