Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

BOOZE BLOGGING

It’s considered quite the norm amongst Australians to partake in a daily cold beverage or two. In fact, most of us refer to five pm as beer o’clock. Fortunately, I no longer drink in public in the interests of self-respect, unless of course it’s a few at a restaurant or wedding. You see, spirits tend to make me black out and go silly. By about the fifth drink, the sugary goodness is starting to be consumed at a much faster rate than can possibly be metabolized and pretty soon, I’m loud and obnoxious and making a bloody fool of myself. It's quite possible for me to physically function for the rest of the evening but then the next day I wake with no memory of prior events. I’ve lost hundreds of dollars in poker games this way! I’ve had to give up spirits in public for my own personal safety more than anything. It’s not usually a good idea going empty-handed to a poker game in the wee hours with complete strangers. I've had enough of that action. These days, I’m the dull one in the corner clinging desperately to a warm beer and pretending not to people watch. This leaves me with the drinking at home option and all of its inherent dangers. Drinking alone with communication technology is a recipe for disaster my friends. Believe me, a stray drunken thumb and a mobile phone are powerful weapons indeed. All technology should be strictly quarantined for the duration of the aforementioned binge. You see it is my belief that alcohol unleashes a toxic worm that is responsible for all the stupid things you do when drunk. A popular theory exists that alcohol reveals your innermost repressed desires and urges; but I beg to differ. I believe that buried deep within every cerebellum is an evil brain worm that bears no relation to your good self and if left unchecked, will emerge to wreak all sorts of havoc...uninhibited discussions with estranged relatives...bitchy remarks on blogs...stray cryptic text messages to people who have slighted you. It’s a world of hurt when booze and electronics combine forces. The immediacy of the medium is the real downfall. The usual editing software one employs during conversations in the daytime seems to malfunction when one has had a few and inevitably, people get hurt. Care to share your most shameful, drunken mishap?

16 comments:

uamada said...

Hello nat
I once drank 2 thirds of a bottle of Bundy and eventually past out. During the period i wasn't past out I had many conversations with people (apparently, can't remember)with my clothes inside out (somehow) and a football jersey on back to front. The collar covered my mouth. Somehow, even though i was vomiting a lot, I managed to not throw up on my collar. Then when i passed out I was alternating being used as a card and snack table and spouting invective at passers by. The invective culminated in a monologue about how some of my closest friends where wasting their lives staying in school. I was 16 and working. (I was right,they were)When asked the next day if i believed that, I had to say yes i did.... so i lost about 5 friends that day.
Oh the shameful part.. It was a north Sydney jersey.

Dr Yobbo said...

I've stopped drinking red wine in public. Largely because I don't tend to drink it by the glass. Then I do something fairly silly like get thrown out of Thai restaurants through my inability to string sentences out of blisteringly loud non-profanities, or in one memorable case falling down a steep gully holding a dining room chair. It's a long story, and a shit one.

Domestic Daze said...

Ah good memories. I can remember a truly spectacular evening where copious double vodkas were inflicted on my tiny little mind. I have vague memories of jumping off bar tables, in stillettos, which were nearly as tall as me. That was the night the band applauded me, so with those two memories and the looks of fear when the bouncers saw me on later evenings, I would say I had a good time.

abefrellman said...

At uni I was on a harbour cruise and I decided it would be neat to souvenir the boat's flag. Bad move. I was found in the toilet, trousers around ankles trying to wrap the flag around me, toga style. The plan was apparently to put all clothes back on and pretend I had just bulked up a little during the course of the cruise. Luckily it was a mate who found me. Some quick talking with the skipper and he brokered a deal where he got his flag back and I didn't get the sh*t beaten out of me.

Steve said...

I thought punishment for theft on harbour cruises was having to walk back to shore?

Most shameful? Thanks to alcohol, on one particular country road, you were no longer able to tell when you were leaving the state of Arkansas and entering Missouri. The most shameful part is, when I went back to NJ for the summer, I left the Missouri State Line sign back in Arkansas, and someone nicked it.

Almost as shameful....again, thanks to a (believe it or not) moderate amount of beer, I decided to try and hit the neighboring fraternity house's front porch with golf balls and a 3 wood. The shameful part is, I couldn't get it out of our house's front yard on the first bounce, and it rolled on down the street.

The moral of that 2nd story: Don't drink and drive.

Therbs said...

I have never done anything shameful, embarassing or illegal while under the influence of alcohol or other substances.
(This is Therbs' lawyer here. He started some self-incriminating reply which, thankfully to my Power Of Attorney over his affairs, I have edited).

Bondiboy66 said...

Most of my shameful drunken mishaps involve swearing incoherently and/or vomiting copiously. As you do. One involves going home with a certain woman, and knowing this was a mistake when she locked her security door from the inside upon arrival...I so wanted to escape the next day but couldn't get past the door, or the bloody big dog she kept in the yard. Gnawing my arm was futile so I just manned up and left as soon as I could the next day. I have avoided fat chicks ever since.

Nautilus said...

One camping trip after a long peak hour drive then power drinking half a dozen stubbies and a full bottle of bourbon I then sat around the fire just in boxers and a hat, pissed in the fire numerous times, walked into the bbq area wall in the dark. I finally went to bed and promptly threw up in my tent, but heroically caught it all in a plastic bag.

Not the most embarrassing thing I have done pissed, but it is the most embarrassing I will own up to.

Steve said...

*Wants to meet Nautilus more than any of you could possibly know right now*

One of the best stories I've ever heard was Therbs' response when challenged after parking in a "women with small children" spot (banging on the trunk, telling the "kids" to behave), and since that was probably sober, I think anything he'd do drunk would be worthy of its own National Lampoon's movie.

juxtagon said...

I have a new mobile and I've learned that : if I start to write a text, cancel, then do a reply to another number. The text goes to the original person I was replying to not the new number. And that was sober.
I will be switching my mobile off when drunk.

Yet still I never get hangovers when drinking ;-)

Hmm, drunken mishaps ... oh I almost sent out an embrassing email! but thankfully I couldn't get a wi-fi connection. So I got to edit said email the next day into something less "random"

LERMONTOV said...

I can't remember much of the night - but I do remember waking up in a Kings Cross appartment between two women who were pretty much the personification of ugliness. And then realising that there was a huge pool of blood on the sheets. Then realising that the blood was from a tattoo that I'd somehow acquired the night before. I sneaked out of the unit and went to catch a taxi before realising that I must have left my wallet back there. Had to do the walk of shame back, wake them up and pretend that I was ducking out to pick up some breakfast for them.

Don't know if that is the most embarassing - still pretty dumb!

Steve said...

Lerm, your next blog entry needs to include a photo of said tattoo.

Nautilus said...

Steve you could make a movie out of Lerm's story, pretty much in the style of Dude where's my car?.

chazfh said...

Needless to say most such events involve women but fortunately no tattoos!

Steve said...

Naut, so "Night at the Roxbury" wouldn't make a good one?

I still think "Anchorman," but tailoring it around Lerm's industry, might be the best one.

Punch said...

This is kinda like a whore in church. Don't think i would say too much. might tip your hand.

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