The capital city of Australia is of course Canberra and was built purely to settle a shit fight dispute between rival candidates and long time enemies, Sydney and Melbourne. The war continues to this day. Well what a load of old bollocks! As a neutral outsider and Brisbane resident, I feel it my civic duty to settle the score once and for all. Melbourne (which much like Brisbane) is a sad and anonymous collection of drab suburbs huddled around a deserted city centre in the desperate search of a defining architectural moment. The city has four seasons being: ‘drizzle’, ‘overcast’, ‘sopping wet’ and ‘blowing a dog off a chain’. You can tell when it’s summer because the rain gets a bit warm. Californians visiting in winter have been known to contact Amnesty International. Melbourne’s sister cities are Blackpool, Reykjavik and Launceston. Melbournians have styled themselves as ‘an enclave of European intellectualism in an antipodean cultural wasteland’ while the rest of us see them as bunch of whinging wine wankers. Melbourne footy fans are mean-spirited and only feel good about themselves when they beat Adelaide. Once a dumping ground for overcrowded British prisons, Sydney stays true to its origins by elevating corrupt police, con artists and colourful racing identities to the upper echelons of society (again...much like Brisbane) The women are vicious matrons with complexions like lizard skin handbags and often lunch in Double Bay wearing Chanel knock-offs from Asia. They’ll spend $300 on lunch to raise funds for victims of collagen abuse and call it ‘charity’. They eat their own young. Sydney prides itself on ‘Pacific Rim Cuisine’, which is what happens when you take a prawn roll with mayo for $2 and flog it off as a warm seafood and mesculun salad for $40. A Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gra is what you get when cabaret lounges refuse entry to anyone not wearing knee-high socks and bloody sandals. And there you have it. At least here in Brisbane we know we’re shithouse...and proud of it......*dislcaimer* Evidence entirely anecdotal. Author never resided in either city but did visit for a bit. Once.