Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

SHIT FIGHT: AUSSIE CITIES

The capital city of Australia is of course Canberra and was built purely to settle a shit fight dispute between rival candidates and long time enemies, Sydney and Melbourne. The war continues to this day. Well what a load of old bollocks! As a neutral outsider and Brisbane resident, I feel it my civic duty to settle the score once and for all. Melbourne (which much like Brisbane) is a sad and anonymous collection of drab suburbs huddled around a deserted city centre in the desperate search of a defining architectural moment. The city has four seasons being: ‘drizzle’, ‘overcast’, ‘sopping wet’ and ‘blowing a dog off a chain’. You can tell when it’s summer because the rain gets a bit warm. Californians visiting in winter have been known to contact Amnesty International. Melbourne’s sister cities are Blackpool, Reykjavik and Launceston. Melbournians have styled themselves as ‘an enclave of European intellectualism in an antipodean cultural wasteland’ while the rest of us see them as bunch of whinging wine wankers. Melbourne footy fans are mean-spirited and only feel good about themselves when they beat Adelaide. Once a dumping ground for overcrowded British prisons, Sydney stays true to its origins by elevating corrupt police, con artists and colourful racing identities to the upper echelons of society (again...much like Brisbane) The women are vicious matrons with complexions like lizard skin handbags and often lunch in Double Bay wearing Chanel knock-offs from Asia. They’ll spend $300 on lunch to raise funds for victims of collagen abuse and call it ‘charity’. They eat their own young. Sydney prides itself on ‘Pacific Rim Cuisine’, which is what happens when you take a prawn roll with mayo for $2 and flog it off as a warm seafood and mesculun salad for $40. A Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gra is what you get when cabaret lounges refuse entry to anyone not wearing knee-high socks and bloody sandals. And there you have it. At least here in Brisbane we know we’re shithouse...and proud of it......*dislcaimer* Evidence entirely anecdotal. Author never resided in either city but did visit for a bit. Once.

30 comments:

abefrellman said...

Hehe...I've lived in three states and one territory and think that the capital cities are overrated. Id live in a country town again if I could do so without the commute.

(PS Check your Gmail.)

NATALIA THE RUSSIAN SPY said...

will do...fuck...Fuck...FUCK....fucking green ants hurt like FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NATALIA THE RUSSIAN SPY said...

Sorry about all the swearing...FUCK THAT HURTS!...Green Ants DIE!!!!!!!!!!

abefrellman said...

Ice is good. Or if you have a ventolin puffer just spray it straight on the bite.

NATALIA THE RUSSIAN SPY said...

Endless scratching helps too...what a girl eh Abe?

Big Bad Al said...

Big Girls Blouse. It is only a wee little tiny Ant.

Bondiboy66 said...

Fucken green ants. Don't sit on em. And for the love of god don't get one in your sleeping bag whilst in a hammock (well ok it was a bulldog ant that got me that time but the message is unchanged!).

Yes, Sydney (and indeed Bondi) is an overpriced shitfight full of an endless parade of utter wankers, but I'm used to it. Only visited Melbourne once, about 14 months ago, and for but a few days. I enjoyed it as the weather was actually warm and dry - but I wouldn't live there (the Yarra as a substitute for the harbour? Port Phillip bay as a substitute for Bondi? Fuck that!. Canberra is just plain weird - and the weather is either arseburningly hot or bollock freezingly cold. I last went to Brisbane circa 1976 and aged 10, so I have no idea.

Bondiboy66 said...

You haven't been bitten by a green ant have you Al?

Steve said...

So, if I was to ever move to Australia, my only choice would be Alice Springs?

Dorrie said...

I don't care how shitty those cities are, if I had the chance to come visit, I'd do so in the wink of an eye!

Domestic Daze said...

Funny as all hell, Nat, and so true, one of the things I love about living in Brissy is you get to sit back and watch the bitch fight between Sydney and Melbourne. Just like a pair of old drag queens.

bangarrr said...

Nat you forgot Sydney's roads, laid down over the goat tracks, and if you don't like Melbourne's weather wait five minutes.

Simon said...

Sometimes I think you’re just putting on a tough, cynical exterior to mask your soft, romantic, true inner self.

Havock21 said...

Well, well, well....OK.

Brizzy and Sydney I think have the distinction of being able to offer an environment that will EAT YOU!..YES!..harbour swim..Oh let me see. Sharks, stingers. crocks, GREEN ANTS.

Lets add the most fucked up traffic systems..YEP..SYDENY then toss in BNE for wash you away floods as well. beautiful one day, trying to kill or drown ya the next.
Reason they put hills behind you lot was so you would not spread..unfortunaely..well, you know.

And town that endorses a game where ya hug the other bloke, poke his buttttt hole and so forth has issues.

Sydney's humidity is worse than Brisbane's or even Darwin's..its a real shitty heat. WHAT ELSE.um...

Melbourne is LIKE ME...FUCKNG WICKED, and Handsome, Intelligent, Multicultural, diversified, artistic ad just plain old goes with the flow, never ruffled.

Dr Yobbo said...

So, Havock, being Melbourne and all, you must be a large dank fetid hole with no redeemable characteristics whatsoever, other than the departures terminal at Tullamarine?

Sin City is fun times. Beers at the Bank Hotel... beers at the Australian Hotel... beers at the cricket... hmmm, pattern developing. Whenever I visit I think I want to live there again. Of course I can't afford to and wouldn't meet the dress code even if I did.

I left Sydney (the eastern suburbs, Therbs territory) to live in Brisbane for the same reasons that I'd live there again. It's relaxed without being yee-haw yokel. (Well not since Joh anyway.) It is, however, nastier in summer than a dockworker's armpit, which I don't miss.

Dr Yobbo said...

Actually, I think there is something that Sydneysiders, Brisvegans and Melbourneshites can agree on. Canberra's a fucken hole.

abefrellman said...

And Queanbeyanites too.

Steve said...

Which is why you live in Queanbeyan and not Canberra?

abefrellman said...

Thassrite...QBN is the original town, next to which our nation's capital (the most planned and sterile city on the planet IMHO) was plonked in 1913.

Havock21 said...

I LOVE CBR..its WICKED

Barnesm said...

Great post again NatV
I'm with Dr Yobbo on this one, Sydney, Melbourne at least they aren't Canberra.

brian said...

Total agreement Nat.
Poor old Brisie's charm got heavily compromised when all those Mexicans from down south emigrated across the border.

Yep. Best thing for Melbourne is to let her die quietly and gracefully. Need to encourage more of the population to go North I reckon. Cairns seems to be the popular spot for folks around my way.

Yep. The PLAN IS WORKING . . . .YAY!

Therbs said...

Ha! Love those descriptions! Haven't been to Brissie for a few years but I sort of enjoyed its country town feel back then. Didn't pretend to be anything other than Brisbane. I would have thought the Melbourne types would be banging on about Adelaide by now.
Canberra has 2 redemming features - the War Memorial and availability of booze anywhere.
I love the fact that you can pop down to the local shop for a packet of Tim Tams and walk out with a carton of Crownies, a bottle of whisky and a flagon of Old Gumboot Port.

Steve said...

At what point do you realize you forgot the Tim Tams?

Or is that just code to the wife for "I'm going to go buy some stuff that will put me in an early grave, but with a smile on me face"?

Therbs said...

Steve - there were Tim Tams? Oh, thooose Tim Tams. Saw the booze and never looked at anything else. I was a hero when I walked in with beer and bourbon and wasn't questioned about the biscuits.

Steve said...

Tim Tams are just empty calories anyway, who needs them? Besides, if you didn't get coffee as well, the Tim Tams are useless.

bangarrr said...

Brian remember by that analogy north of the board makes you Seppos.

Chaz said...

Of course canberra's a shit hole why do you think we send the pollies there? Also it's far enough away from the rest of us that if some rag head nukes it it'll ot really effect the rest of us..well except abe of course...sorry abe

brian said...

Remarkable the number of Mexicans fleeing the North after the holidays. Poor bastards were warm . . . but mostly wet. Hmm . . .wetbacks?

abefrellman said...

That's ok.

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