Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

A LETTER FROM THE RHINO TO THE HEAD OF CARDINALS, VATICAN, VATICAN CITY, ITALY.

Your eminences, How’s it going? I suppose things must be getting pretty busy what with Easter coming up and all. Well, I’ll be brief. I was reading in the paper the other day that the holy father Pope Benedict XVI seems to have found himself in a spot of bother…what with all those gay rights activists and Holocaust denying bishops shaking things up.Did you have a contingency plan in place had one of those diamond-tipped Protestant spears penetrated the pope mobile in Cameroon? I didn’t think so. You never can be too careful these days you know. Have you considered possible replacements should anything happen (God-forbid!) to his holiness-ness? I know this isn’t exactly a pleasant topic but you don’t need the hassle of sitting round on those cold sixteenth-century tiles late into the night do you? Men of your age should watch that kind of thing. That is why I’m offering my services now, getting in early as it were. I believe myself more than suitable.

I’m a Pennsylvanian Yankee currently residing in King Bubba's court
and well used to saving an ungrateful world on a regular basis. You guys don’t want some new-wave pope trying to reform things now do you? I mean if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. It’s been going strong for a while now and you've been doing a great job naysaying science…you just need a professional figurehead to handle the commercials and public appearances. You write it, I’ll speak it…no problemo padres!

I feel that my intimate, yet secret relationship with dear old JP the II should be taken into account. You do realize it was me that quietly gave him hints about polishing up his act all those years ago? That kissing the tarmac manoeuvre? My idea. Although I still think it would have been better if he’d then done a few forward rolls and finished with a handstand. Look what it did for
Jason Akermanis’ career.
I know my large muscular appearance is not what you had in mind but, gentlemen, we haven’t had a big pope since Pious XII – affable old roly-poly Pious the Twelfth. The Party Pope. The pope who always seemed to be saying ‘put your hands back in your pockets buddy, this one’s on me’. Just think of me as Pope Rhino the First...‘he loves to pray but he loves to barbeque’...Pope Rhino who bought back porterhouse steak on Fridays and offered a free cigar with every communion wafer. I can also fry up a pretty mean burger. In fact my reputation is such that I have my very own cult following. Their religious convictions are somewhat tenuous (to say the least) but in this day and age you guys really can’t afford to be fussy now can you?

You want a yes man as pope, then yes, I’m the man.

(I’m assuming this is a 200k plus job)

Yours ‘til the puff of white smoke goes up,

The Rhino

23 comments:

Pastor Larry said...

What A HOOT

NATALIA THE RUSSIAN SPY said...

We love a Pastor with a sense of humour!

Nautilus said...

That is glorious and the fact that you dragged the man who thinks he is god (Jason Akermanis) into the letter just made it better.

The Rhino said...

YES MAN?!?!?!? What the hell? Oh, wait, did you say $200K?

Well, right then.

I'd look good in that hat at least.

Love you Nat ... your spanking will be dealt out in short order.

Moko 2.0 said...

roflmao

Therbs said...

Ahhh, vintage Nat! Wonderful. One of the best cacks I've had for a while.

bangarrr said...

Nat you forgot the best selling point, The Rhino has many good years left in him (if we can keep him away from bacon roll ups, we'll hire a team of Jewish chefs good PR to boot). This means they'll a)not have to do this for a long time and b) be green by not having to have the fire lit all day while they make the decision.

LERMONTOV said...

Bloody funny - he'd be perfect. Although the pope-mobile may need enlarging!

Domestic Daze said...

I can see a lot of people 'getting' religon with Pope Rhino leading the charge. Laughed my head off.

Steve said...

Is it safe to say the Popemobile will have one of those coolers in the floor, like that piece of shit Dodge Caliber?

I wonder how Catholics the world over would react the first time he was using the Heavy Metal Devil Horns while making the sign of the cross?

NowhereBob said...

I'd vote for pope Rhino the first.
Now they just got to make me a cardinal.

One thought, Do they make those ruby slippers in 26EEE ?

Bondiboy66 said...

So Pope Rhino - you in need of a retinue? Someone to cut the ends off the cigars? Get the beer from the popemobile (Rhinomobile?) fridge? Answer correspondence? Wrangle bishops into line? If so, give me a shout - I'm up for a career change.

brian said...

Damn . . .now if only he was Italian.

Chaz said...

Nat, thats great.

Lerm, I think you'd have to 'adjust' an Abrams just to give him a bit more Gravitas!!!

Pope Benedict XVI said...

Dear Mr. Rhino,

Thank you for your letter.

While we value customer input, I'd like to remind you that this institution has a 2000 year history and I think we have a good handle on spiritual affairs.

As we already have a Chief Executive (me), elected by the Board (The College of Cardinals. Go Cardinals!), I must ask that you cease and desist referring to yourself as 'Pope Rhino I'.

Any further use of and allusion to any claims of ecclesiastical leadership on your part will be dealt with by our legal staff, with peanalties varying from a lawsuit to excommunication.

You don't get the power to excommunicate by 'pettin' kitty cats', Mr Ceros.

To sum up: Why don't you mind your own business? And get those back tithes in, muy pronto.

Thank you for your interest and we hope you will comtinue to use our services despite this current situation.

Sincerely,
His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI


JR/jc

Steve said...

The above letter is a fake. No self-respecting German would EVER use the phrase "muy pronto." He would likely say "mach schnell," which more or less translates to "get your ass in gear."

Also, the Pope would be more of a Boston College (Eagles) fan.

Will Rhino's Popemobile have longhorns on the hood, like Boss Hogg?

Da Curly Wolf said...

Rhino for Pope? Oh dear. *sits in a shaking chair* Hmmm..an earthquake in Texas WTF? *run's and looks out the window.* Oh wait never mind its just the first shockwave from the sun going nova. Never mind ca......................

*20,000 yrs later in another galaxy*
Oh dude the universe must have loved this Rhino person to give him such a big send off!

Flinthart said...

Pope Rhino I... yeah, that's got a ring to it. (Heh. And a big hat, too.) Hey, can I sign up for the job of Official Antichrist?

brian said...

Dear Flinthart Re : Job Application.

We have reviewed your CV and have been in contact with your referees.

Sadly we have found you overqualified per the job description. And can't remunerate as you have asked.

We wish you well in your endeavours.

PS We believe there is an opening in the Greek pantheon for a senior godling. Bacchus perhaps?

NATALIA THE RUSSIAN SPY said...

I'm off to see Felafel...just read Birmo's blog and it seems Bedak and himself are already toasted...three hours before the curtain rises. This could be the first time in history that an author and playwright heckle there own show...and I've got a front row seat!!!!

NATALIA THE RUSSIAN SPY said...

...their own show...and I'm sober.

Bondiboy66 said...

Better play catchup then Nat. I'd hate to be one of the actors tonight...

Steve said...

Is Birmo there tweeting during the show?

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