Scratching my own funny bone for shits and giggles. Lampooning books, music and being a single woman over 40. Recording observations with an almost Seinfeldian obsession for the minutiae of life. Things can get sweary around here. You understand.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

MEN ARE LIKE CAMELS

I readily admit to having a K-mart bladder and often find myself wondering why there aren’t ever enough public toilets. It’s a well known fact that women need to go more frequently and take a lot longer in there than men do, so why is it then that venues don’t install more women’s than men’s? I reckon if men wore pantyhose, knickers, petticoats, suspender belts and skirts there’d probably be a lot more loos to go around. It’s okay for the blokes: a quick zip and a shake and they’re off, back in their seat for the second half of the show with the Crown Lager they managed to slip past the door bitch. (Bedak!) In the meantime, the girls have come to know about thirty women on a first-name basis. ‘No, go on Susan. You look really desperate.’ ‘No after you Karen, I think I can hang on a minute longer.’ ‘What the hell is she doing in there?’ ‘Does anyone out there have a tissue?...anyone? I’ve run out of loo paper damnit!’ ‘What the fuck is wrong with this hand-dryer and what’s that on your skirt?’ It really is an undignified scene as women groan loudly and tap dance with pained expressions when the warning bell goes off for the second half. And how many times have you raced for the loo, only to find the queue is still too long and decide just to hang on? Hugh Jackman could be stage dancing the hornpipe with Magda Szubanski in the nude and you’d barely even notice as you cross and uncross your knees, chew your nails and bite off your own wrist waiting for that blissful moment when the show ends and you can bolt for the loo once more. It was probably a good thing that I couldn’t sneak a beer into Felafel last Friday night. I may have missed the entire show!

21 comments:

brian said...

Oh come on Nat! Every bloke alive knows that women going to the loo is a social event. They seldom go solo - they always seem 'buddy up' for the exercise.
Tosh - I say.

Big Bad Al said...

Now now Natalie. Us males of the species don't have it easy either.

Firstly there is the hazard of the Killer Zip. I am sure that all of your male readers have, at one time, had to do battle with the Killer Zip's grip of death, especially those who decide that going "Commando" is cool. Rest assured that the tears you see in the eyes of man leaving toilets are not from laughing at the latest joke written on the wall.

Then there is the Male toilet etiquette.

You never never greet a friend with a hearty "G'day (insert mates name here)" as you approach the wishing wall. Inevitably your long lost friend will turn around to see who dares to call his name whilst only half way through the task in hand.

Correct etiquette dictates that you approach a vacant space, if there are more than one person, stare at the wailing wall in front of you and mumble a token greeting to which the reply is a grunt.

Then there is "the glance". If you should happen to glance down at the person beside you it had better not be longer than a nanosecond or you will be greeted with a withering stare that says "What are you looking at (insert derogatory term here)?"

Another hazard is the handshake which I strongly advocate should be totally banned in toilets.

There are actually two hazards here. The first is the handshake before the washing of the hands... the second is the watery handshake after the washing of hands because there is no way to dry your hands because those blower thingys are totally inadequate and there are no paper towels.

I could continue but I leave the other rules for others to espouse.

LERMONTOV said...

^ Awesome work by BBAl - deserves a post of its own

"I reckon if men wore pantyhose, knickers, petticoats, suspender belts and skirts there’d probably be a lot more loos to go around"

Chaz does - and he is in the property game - you'll have to get on to him!

Lunamor said...

And not only THAT but after giving birth, my ability to "hold it" is never quite the same.

So basically I've been incontinent, to some degree, since I was 21.

Pastor Larry said...

I think I have heard my wife make the same remarks.

Havock21 said...

yeah I reckon Major Charles Fluffy could enlighten us some more lerm.

AL, the no hand drying machine or paper is a beauty. OH, and never were Sued shoes either, ........spatter!

Bondiboy66 said...

My wife tells a similar story at the pool where The Little Bloke goes for swimming lessons. Boy and I go to men's change room, quick one minute shower, out changed etc... Nobody spends more than about 5 minutes in the shower.

Wifey tells me that the women's seems infested with other women who inist on having 30-45 minute showers. And woe betide anybody who suggests they hurry up. And they will stand there vacantly staring into space, or having a good old gasbag to the women next door, having completed teh essential part of the ablutions 20 minutes earlier.

I dunno what that's all about either.

yankeedog said...

Actually, Nat, that's the one thing newer buildings do have (at least here)-more toilets for women than for men. Most competent architects and designers do try to take that into account these days.

Although you've written a funny post here, you have brought up a quite valid point with it as well. But, yes, it is something that is looked at in the building design stage.

Flinthart said...

BBAl raises a valid issue about zippers, though. My good mate Jason decided they were actually Jewish labour-saving devices...

Barnesm said...

"I reckon if men wore pantyhose, knickers, petticoats, suspender belts and skirts there’d probably be a lot more loos to go around"..

There was a pub in Sydney where I had to use the loo.....

Moko said...

As an ex-cleaner I've always wondered why chicks are the most feral when it comes to public dunnies.

So, why?.

YsambartCourtin said...

Moko - they go in, can't hold it, and just say 'frag this' and make a mess?

bangarrr said...

Well I've just been to a "Day On The Green", no the music event not the other. Toilets were present but no urinals, so competition was fierce to say the least. I suspect darkness may have alleviated that a little.

Chaz said...

Lerm but not on a school night! and the girl involved was very turned on. I hear some of your rougher clients like it too!

Nat it's a simple case of availibility of space toilets don't generally generate alot of income so their size is always kept to a minimum. There was once a requirement of seating to loo ratio but I think that went by the wayside years ago.

Havock21 said...

you sheila's need to cowboy the fuck up I reckon... Bush and then AIR DRY....*running*

Kimmywoo said...

Not to mention the need to either wipe down the toilet seat or do the "hover". To stand up to wee would be a marvelous thing.

Steve said...

You know Nat, you can always buck up and buy one of these and use the men's room:

http://www.p-mate.com/eng/intro.html

Of course, this would give women one less thing to bitch and moan about, and we can't have that now, can we?

(I'm going to be killed for saying that, aren't I?)

Nautilus said...

It is women's reluctance to pee in the sink when it's busy, that slows the whole process down.

Steve said...

This is why women don't rule the world yet, they won't do what's necessary to forcibly take over a men's room with a shorter line, much less take over Washington.

NATALIA THE RUSSIAN SPY said...

BRIAN: Well I must be freak then. I don't need anyone's hand to hold onto in there!

BBA: Blessed insights into BLOKEWORLD!

LERM and CHAZ: Love it when you two bitch-slap each other!

LUNA: My GOD woman! Je na sais quoi! Je na sais quoi!

PASTOR: I'm certain it's a worldwide phenomenon.

HARRY: I have to channel the pioneering spirit of Australian bush women all the time!...airdrying seems to be par for the course.

FLINT: Must be secret men's business...

BARNES: You'd look great in stilettos baby.

MOKO: Yeah I have to admit...the female's in nightclubs are quite a sight at four in the morning.

BART: A flatmate once peed in my clothes basket...

BANG: Yeah the last Big Day Out I went on was like that...by the end of the night you had to dodge the pools of pee.

CHAZ: Yeah it seems that we are behind the rest of the world in that regard...thanks for confirming that YANKEEDOG!

KIMMY: Not to mention overzealous toilets that spray water from here to kingdom come!

STEVE: Christ! I hope that thing is made of durable plastic...as for going into the men's...I've done that once or twice on the turps...and you know I NEVER complain...much.

NAUT: Ha!

Steve said...

From what I gather, it's like a dixie cup, wax-coated paper, and it's biodegradable and disposable. One-time use, basically designed for women while camping, hiking, and trolling rock festivals.

I was once at a bar with two bathrooms, one toilet in each, and waited on line for 10 minutes. When the door finally opened, 8 women walked out.

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